hurricane skies

i never worry, now that is a lie now
i never want to feel like i did that day
take me to the place i love
take me all away, yeah!
Under the bridge - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

the games that my body plays. tiny deaths. the air cool, collects on my face and whispers above my ankles just where my socks stop. a craziness, ceasless in motion without any regard for time or company. like a tide it ebbs and like a wave it crashes back tossing me about with an abandon, with a shameless rudeness. obscenities in broken breaths leave me startled and gasping. the colour of the sky turns a deep shade of profane, exhausting me but i am relieved to lie under this cruel sky.

for you

it is strange to find your friend in the same predicament as yours, seeing her or him make the same errors of judgement as you. its a bit like becoming an image in a mirror where the person standing outside is not you but your freind. You shout, you shake your head but you are not heard for the image in the mirror is merely a reflection. You don't want your freind, your loved one, your brother, your sister, your parent hurt and yet there is precious little that you can do, except make a silent promise to yourself, to try and hold them to the best of your ability.

Ease their trouble with a kind word, a joke, a cup of coffee perhaps or maybe cook them something warm and slow and tell them its ok, its not the end of the world.

always true

do you remember the uncounted little notes i wrote? look for them in places you have forgotten. tear-stained, crumpled or neatly folded with multiple folds, each crease a nervous tension. the billowing mist from the mountains redirect my thoughts to you but never mind these askew dispatches...it is just the sun showers and you.

loopy

i like you

in the rain

the moon

in a haze

streetlight

trims with silver

blades of grass

at my feet

their wetness

sprays my ankles

i need you

to wet my mind

lightning pulses

silently

i wait for thunder

nighttime

nighttime silent
i listen-
sounds of my breath

dawn alights
soaked in prayer
the night dissolves

mid-shabaan moon
lifted with prayers
all night

Note: shabaan is the current islamic month and the night of 14th shabaan holds special significance for muslims in terms of being a very holy night, it is spent in prayers till dawn.

All of the above are seperate haikus, different moments. they can be seen on their own or in unison, enjoy them however you like...:)

lore on mute

nodding blossoms-

listening to tales

of the evening breeze

static noise

i press my face down into the sheets...
the sound of your voice, languidly naked
scribbles, scratches and marks my silence.

i listen to you straining my body to remember each word. i will want to play those words over and again in my head. maybe repeating them will make them come true. maybe repeating them will take away their sharpness. maybe repeating them i will understand the subtexts, the emphasis...all those little meanings which hide behind words, maybe those will all come to me then, for right now i only hear the sound of tears restrained in your voice and am unable to hear anything else.

surreal

in a dust filled sky, your faint outline on the horizon tempts me with its promise of a refuge. are you a mirage or a distance not covered?

the dust sits on my skin, i can taste it with every breath. all the words are scattered and some fall to the ground torn by thorns and worn thin and useless. there remain a couple clutched tight in my fist but i wonder which ones do i pluck for you?

i cannot see you clearly though i hear you, i know your voice but sometimes you speak in a tounge that is not yours. then you become a stranger who i have no reason to trust and yet still...

surreal to let you go. sunlight seems harsh and voices discordant, distant.
far away, over there the sun covers you in its gold. the dream finally bites the dust.

Perhaps some day this will all make sense.

sometimes

if the nights were sweeter than caramel and the hours were painted crimson would the practicalities still matter. sometimes we were in love. the little boy ready to please for a smile. the man reaching out to reassure with a warm jacket and a steady hand. i lose when i count. but we danced secretly between moments where tiny heartbeats grew firm.

anew

black streaks
down her cheeks
-remanants of him

he fades

in her endless smile

-a footnote

night breeze

whispers to the leaves

- a new moon

midnight rain

moonsoons bursts
in the middle of the night

-i awake.

infinite raindrops

bouncing in the courtyard

loudly oblivious to all

lets do it again

the ghosts of your world
blindfold you
you dissolve in the beauty of the ocean
and submerge in her madness
her dark lips consume you
you lose yourself completely
thrown and tossed and sucked in and sucked in deeper still...
breathless and limp yet you stay...


my solitude
my thoughts disappear
its just her pumping through my veins
leaving me parched for her wet saltiness...the ocean.


turbulent tumultuous turmoil
tears or tired times...don't matter.
we can still be brave and we can still be young but only if we love again.

keep the faith

i feel the moistness of the day heavy on my skin today...heavy as expecatation.
this sense of something which i wait for brings with it a restlessness, a vauge dissatisfaction...
here i am, searching for someone who will bring a sense of home to my soul...
i am part of that greedy tribe who wants evermore. perhaps it is so as we trade bits of our being for all that we have or think that we have.
some take pleasure in my smiles and some lay store by my strength but what i need is someone at whose feet i can lay down and forget all my troubles....
for a thousandth time i tell myself that it is not for a human to be so to another.
desires are nutty, cooky little creatures and i guess that is fine for they are not mere calcuations and calculations are fine everywhere except when it comes to our soft beating bits.
maybe i should go for a pilgrimage, walk in silence in the company of coffee and clean drinking water.
dreaming of a destiny and perhpas with each step coming closer to you but never close enough...
the problem is, i think, i have neither faith enough nor hope enough and yet i seem to have both enoguh to take me through each day. that is so perhaps because faith and hope unlike carbon are eternal energy sources, renewable and unlimited. they are there within us, if we want them.

slices of thought

it takes only a glimmer of a memory to collectively start gushing like blood to my head...you.

the body remembers what the mind blocks...my skin turns upon me, the tips of my fingers betray me...a loud noise, a waterfall of emotions and how can i forget...what is it to be a woman...surrendering...bending...and flowing through your fingers like water....if you only knew how to catch me.

....just a whisper was wanted...where words are wasted...what needed to be founded...was what should have been lost...us

Tagged By Cocaine Jesus

Hey CJ This is for you:

1. I have a strangely wide huge variety of tastes, in almost all things and sometimes they contradict each other. So I have to hide many of my pleasures or would rather not discuss them as I don't like to be judged.

2. I love all things beautiful, skies, flowers, words, expressions, acts, fabric, music, moon, rain, paintings, a well turned out cake, a kid's smile....endless really the amount of beauty in this world.

3. There is something tremendously satisfying about reading a book, the experience of its pleasure is something I look forward to and start craving when I haven’t been able to indulge myself in it for a very long time, like now.

4. I am a terribly, staunchly loyal person and am deeply, deeply hurt when people betray me, though after the initial shock, I bury it deep down, get on with the person....I don't much like confrontations, though I have long drawn out scenes in my head but there is something very distasteful about getting angry with another person. Perhaps I am wrong but...

5. I love to dance; there is something uniquely relaxing about it.

6. I am a worrier, should have probably written that in caps, highlighted it, underlined it and even then not fully conveyed how much of a worrier I am. I need to have positive people around me and I try not to think negatively as it can bring me down faster than a ton of bricks.

7. I am a caffeine addict and I have no desire to quit.

8. I have never liked borders and limits. I love to indulge myself till I make myself sick but I do it very very rarely and I don't think its healthy either. Its childish and crazy but that is how I am. I wish I could do so without hurting myself but growing up is about accepting consequences for your actions and hence one has to be responsible.

Now my turn to tag:

Illyria
Zohen
Nasra
Pallavi
Shamini
Lorena
Patry Francis
Pat Paulk

Please write 8 random facts about yourself and post in on your respective blogs, in case any body wants to post here in the comment section, feel at home.

rambling like the rain

inky blue clouds
glimpses of memories
m i s p l a c e d

still shivering leaves

..........................rain lashed

........................................and dripping

beats from a drum

boom boom boom

getting higher

tripping away

free in the air

your love

free in the air

words destructured

form broken

new meanings found

yet the old not fortgotten

the beats in the air

free

the beats in my head

so wild and free

like you ....so free

Shout out

there is strange quirk about my life, it just never goes to plan....is it just my life or its a universal condition? i envy people with organised text book lives, lives like smoothed down flat hair...ah...another of those things i'm always striving for.

well...am back...my brother, Sarfraz (sarfraz@gmail.com), a blood sucking monster, I must add, has been after my life to restart blogging. I don't know why he wants me to blog but to be honest I have missed blogging myself and I have missed all my blogger freinds...I hope I am still missed by them. So i'm back in blogville and soon i shall be hopping all over the place.

and hey all of you who have been writing to me....kisses to all of you....i'm sorry for not being able to reply....problems with accessing internet...which have solved now and so i shall get busy writing emails now. :)

an explantion

i have begun a new chapter in my life, a new line of work...new beginings are scary but if there is one thing i have learnt in life, it is never to shy away from the lessons that life is trying to teach you, its pointless...life will chase you down, clobber you on the head till you give up and finally teach the lesson it is intent on teaching you, so you might as well enjoy your class. its never really that bad, it all depends upon how you choose to view the situation. the same story can be turned into a comedy or a tragedy, it all depends upon the screenplay you write for it. for this reason i have not been able to post lately and i don't know if i will be able to do in the future, i am just not getting the time and often i dont have access to internet. however for some weird reason i can't bring myself to totally abandon this space nor say a definitive goodbye...i wonder why...perhaps it is because i can put down those thoughts, here, which i can't even bring myself to speak of.

i miss reading my favourite blogs...i crave them...dont forget me and if anyone wants to write to me, you can do so at gulnaz.sheikh@gmail.com
hopefully i will be posting every now and then so which ever gentle creature ambles by this space, god bless you and thank you for reading me and spending time here.
sometimes life gets so busy that it doest leave you with enough time to be with your own thoughts enough to distill them into words...but the lesson i'm learning is to be mindful of the moment, amongst other lessons. i hope i learn my lessons well just as i wish success to my fellow travellers.

wish me luck. wish me success.

love...a warm gentle breeze feel it slightly lift your hair...and think of me.

read between the lines

tomorrow?

yeah tomorrow i won't be there.

(but how do i tell him, that he'll be there in the sharply drawn breath between long breathless conversations. how do i tell him that he will be there in the smile which will look back at me in the mirror. how do i tell him that he is there with me when i turn the lock closed on the bedroom door. how do i tell him that he will be there on my fingertips when i taste the sweetness of the cake batter. how do i tell you that you will be there when in my tightly closed fist when i burn those calories on the green. how do i tell you that it is you on these restlessly tapping fingers on this machine. how do i tell you that are the lilt in my laugher. how do i tell you that you are the merriness in my eyes. how do i tell him that he is my sweaty palms smoothing down my dress. how do i tell him that he is the noise in my head getting nothing done. how can i tell you all this, how can i tell you all this without breatking your heart...)

yes, tomorrow i won't be there.



i'm going on a holiday to see some freinds and i don't know if i will be able to continue blogging from there....i don't think i will be able to. i don't want this to sound like a farewell speech, i hate goodbyes!!!!

....take care each one of you!!!!

XOXOXO

gold

As kids we worship our parents. there is nothing that daddy can't buy and there is no pain that mama cannont kiss away. Its funny how we go through these ups and downs with them, loving them, hating them, crying with them, crying for them, hugging them, running to them. Mom and Dad could always make everything all right, could transform the darkest night with a warm hug and the rightest words. Dad's laughter and Mom's pretty smile is the solace of every child and I don't think we ever completely outgrow that.

I thought that we turned into mature adults when we realise our parents are not heroes, that they have feet of clay. That is the time we realise their fallibility, their vulnerability and that they don't own the world. We feel all grown up and big when we understand this.

However we truly become mature when we realise their greatness, their worth and all that they have given us, they who are not heroes but mere mortals like us: trying their best, failing as often if not more than succeeding...trying to mold us after them, taking our resistance for disobedience, breaking their heart over a wrong choice, over words sharply said...cooking lavish dinners, letting us sleep late and yet too shy to say we love you.

I realised that despite of being just ordinary folks they made for me and my brothers a warm nest. none of us come prepared in this world to become parents and no kid comes with a user's manual, they learned on the job and if they made a mistake they broke their lil hearts over it. to be this big person for this little child who looks upto you for every little thing must be an onerous task which no sane person would willingly take if it were not for the sheer love of the child....for the joy and pride that they take in their brood. no child is really as wonderful as his or her parents imagine them to be but they believe in us far more than we ever will.

God bless mine and all the mommas and all the daddies in the world.

for evermore

ah! the games you play
remaining a stranger to me
encircling me.

closed.

your breath blows on me
as i evermore reach out to you
you, remain untouched.

concealed

concealed in wet lashes
closed in a heartbeat
you stay alive.

conscious

lost soul

take me down
not scared to fall from grace
ribbons of mist tying my wrists

your fingertips...searching for release
there is an ocean beyond.....
....a land somewhere

my soul drifts
.............wafts
................wanders away

running in my head to you
running through these enchanted woods to you.

broken hearts

the skies are bruised.
the dancers, removed.
look at the blood we have spilled.
look at the love we have killed.

i wear this crown of shame
for all the broken hearts
and the blood gets into my eyes
for your broken heart.

paint the skies in crimson tonight.
paint our silence in love tonight.

for all the things we don't understand
for all the times we are misunderstood
for all that we have lost
paint a heart in crimson tonight.

the spent millions

a million seconds are gone

bring your hand to my heart
breathe breathe

"goodbye"
all the time is gone.

just a million seconds of you.

so play on...

I'm sorry I have not been posting of late...i'm in a place where my thoughts are scattered like wildflowers in the meadows and i can't seem to pluck them and tie them together...no coherence...just a vastness where i'm lost.

Anyway this place and people it has bought into my life will continue to be special in my heart and which is why i thought today of sharing my station at LAUNCHcast, yahoo's music site.

So follow the link below and enjoy the music that I enjoy. Happy listening!

http://music.yahoo.com/lc/?rt=0&rp1=0&rp2=1203978610