Saturday, November 12, 2005

blank on a winter day

It is almost a fortnight into November. The winter is sweet yet.... the mildness of the sun, a caress. Softly time slips through the hours, each hour bathed in light and dressed in perfume of some faint scent. The harsher cold of later months is still a memory from last year but the memory of the scorching summer is still burnt in my mind. Each day it is still a surprise to wake to gentleness.... to this softly sighing weather.
I know there are places where it is already snowing and I know there are people who will suffer from it and I wonder if I am being callous in enjoying this munificence yet to not enjoy this wintry feast would be small minded.
My mind has been pushed by blankness under muddy waters and when that happens its difficult to keep my eyes open, heck, its difficult to even breathe then. I have to struggle to push my head above and gulp some air to keep afloat.
To begin with I was an enthusiastic person but over time, I learnt to sit still and not want anything. Stillness is a fine thing but not when it is paralyzing. I have curbed my desires to the point I have only memories of them. I believed that one must control one's wants, which is a fine thing but I have realized that too much of this can make you numb. Wanting leads to taking steps to getting it but I have seemed to lost that part. I tell myself to learn by wanting little things but its something I need to re-learn. Will I be able to learn this? I have yet to know.
I know there are people who suffer from wanting too much. Those people are caught up in a vortex of wanting and consuming and yet not sucking the joy from those moments. However I stand at the other end of the spectrum from them and not so strangely in a roundabout way right next to them.

81 comments:

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

It's chilly here too, but not yet really cold, the leaves have turned to a riot of wonderful colours and me and the girls had our first roasted chesnuts and pommigranits, I think if I could choose a gift for life it would be to accept what is and be comfortable with it, then I would always be happy, I try but I don't always succeed ether

Cocaine Jesus said...

sue, as always shows the kind of wisdom that i envy. it is getting cold over here, kinda blustery and wet. it stayed dry for bonfire night which was good. apparently we are to expect the worse winter in years. oh, what a cheerful thought!

Russell Ragsdale said...

I get an almost painful resonance to this Gulnaz! That closed down, closed in feeling is all around me. I fight with it daily to open up and feel the world around me in something more than the most superficial of ways. When I succeed in not being isolated, I am rewarded by honest pain or pleasure. This is good!

There is much here that you have seen. When I can push back the barriers, I see it too. We have such illusions and they are so real to us. But do we really want to strip ourslves of them and be left with nothing more or less than only the truth?

It has been eight hours since I first read this; I'm glad I was finally able to write a comment. I am working on a poem about this but your word have shaken and cracked things just like the earthquake I'm feeling inside.

RuKsaK said...

Insightful as always - you have what I can only describe succintly as a very 'human' way of writing.

mermaid said...

Wanting is a natural human tendency for comfort and stability. Letting go invites uncertainty, which is scary, but also invites acceptance. It can take lifetimes to get there, but each day is a new day to try again.

A quiet and warm remembrance of your cycle, the seasons, and life, Gulnaz.

venus said...

u know, many times, I need my such lonely moments when I'm one with just myself, a blank state. it's a cyclic phenomenon, it'd also go away soon, it'd be replaced by another color of life!

gulnaz said...

Sue- there is always such gentle wisdom in your comments....we don't have the magnificence of changing colours and its something i hope to see someday. its wonderful how we celebrate seasons with different foods. :)

CJ- there is something so inexplicably romantic about bonfires, glad you got to enjoy yours. well, i hope it doesnt get too cold but from the drop in the temperatures already it seems it will get quite cold.

Russell- yes it better to feel honest pain than to feel nothing at all. you are right we don't even want to strip ourselves of our illusions. i'm so moved that it has touched you so much. i'm looking forward to reading your poem.

RukSaK- thank you, that means a lot to me, especially coming from somebody who write so vividly, so well.

Mermaid- i honestly love the changing seasons, makes me a lil sad too, at times. uncertainity is a terrible fear.

Venus- yes, we need these moments, i guess. you are right, just like natures' diff. seasons, we have our own cycle.

Silvermoon said...

This is an introspective and well-written piece I relate strongly to. Striving and hoping are inherent within me. Some call me "too intense." Others, are more forgiving and understand me, for who I am. Like others said, we all spin at times in this cyclic journey of life.

johnny boy said...

Hey gulnaz..
Its gettin cold here too. But the cold i refer to, here in South India is very much different to your version :) But still, its a pleasant feeling. Its a huge relief from the unrelenting heat!
True, these days we long for soo many things that when we do get what we wish for - we forget to relish them! Instead we are already longing for the next thing! Quite sad.. And trust me, its the 'small' things in life that really matter... And often these things go unnoticed, and with it is lost, a bundle of happiness!

Misreflection said...

I love winter too.:) To want is part of our make up..If you want something bad enough you'll get it , you'll find the way/ steps etc.. if you vaguely want something you may not.. Passion dictates.. and being pragmatic/ realistic helps too. you'll be Ok..

Shubhodeep said...

lovely. winter is perhaps the best timeof the year, with the exception that i don't like getting up early. ;)
[http://shubhodeep.blogspot.com]

Tomas said...

having moved a bit further north i am feeling the pangs of winter earlier this year...... but i am safe and cozy and unthreatened and feeling no guilt for my happiness... not that i have earned it..... wonderful post, dear friend

Just A Human said...

Gul,
Marvelous start - ecstatic explaination of the mind - but why a painful ending?

I think something is going in your mind which is reflecting in your writings.

One more point -
Achieving and realising in life are two different things.
"I want wealth" (ego)
"I have accumulated wealth" (illusion)

"I am happy" (stillness)
"I have attained peace"(realization)

Cecilia said...

I am not sure if we, as human beings, can ever attain that stage of being perfectly happy with what we have. There will always be that state of wishing for something else. If I may point this out, even you, who are at the other end of the "spectrum" from the group who are wanting and consuming more, are yearning or wishing to "feel" and to reach out to the other end.

I myself would like to find that striking balance of wanting something yet able to enjoy the moment.

This is such a truthful piece of post. It stirred something in me. In all of us in here.

NicoleBraganza said...

hope it doesnt get too nippy! but winter is great....cant wait for december-my birth month!

Rare Blue said...

I call this 'agate hunting'.

We have our heads down looking for the next beautiful thing that only makes us more greedy for the next, for the next for the next.... we forget to lift our heads and see the entire beach. How if we stood still long enough to see the entire picture, it was far more beautiful than a single stone.

G.

Joel said...

When I get to feeling like a set of shuffled up index cards, I go for a walk.

stella said...

i have felt the very same way before between wanting and not wanting, knowing and not knowing.

the beauty is when you're in the middle, the answer does come! :)

Docs Dope said...

Yes, its chilly in the capital, and one should always take some time out to smell the panties..awesome

pallavi said...

I love winters.. wanting is not a sin if you can work for it and get it... :)

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

Smiles

DeeM said...

Such a thought provoking and yet somehow painful piece. I really the feeling you've captured here.
I understand numbness, and at the same time, wanting too much.
*sniff* :)

Patry Francis said...

I can sense you seeking a new balance in your life, Gulnaz--and doing it in a sensitive lyrical way, as always.

. : A : . said...

Love the way you describe the onset of winter and everything around it as you start this piece.

dominick said...

in my first marriage I put aside my wants and needs so often that I lost sight of what I really wanted or needed. I'm still re-discovering what I'm passionate about in my life.

Just a comment about sucking all the joy out of something. That reminds me of people who bring cameras or video-recorders with them on any kind of social event or outing. Where they spend so much time taking pictures and getting their shots, that they lose sight of actually enjoying themselves in the moment.

M said...

The intermixing of weather talk with your own inner desires is both ingenious and troubling....

you sound low G. Cheer up....your wants will come right back to you once you find what you are looking for....Insha Allah soon.

Lorena said...

hi gulnaz, i can relate to also being an enthusiastic person who has found myself in 'stillness' as well. it seems that since you are aware of your state of mind, you will find yourself again where you want to be. your good spirit will never let numbness overcome it! stay strong and find your enthusiasm again ok :)

finnegan said...

Huh? Why is my comment missing? I posted here earlier and nada. I have been experiencing incredibly frustrating ookiness on Blogger of late. (I remember you mentioning having lost a comment on my site as well).

Well, small things. Wee things. I just wanted to reiterate what RuKsaK mentions above. Namely that what I find attractive about your writing is its direct line to your heart.

Thanks for sharing.

Mridula said...

Gulnaz, take the first step, maybe later it will be easier? Can you get involved in some kind of volunteering acitivites? They too sometime do wonders to a person.

Natalie said...

Hi Gulnaz, I haven't been here for a while. Did you know that there are these pop-up or pop-under ads that leap out every time one logs on to your blog? If possible, you should get rid of them as they are very annoying. But your writing is gentle and lyrical as always, full of longing and awareness. All will be well, you'll see.
Come back and visit the Blaug, am doing the NaNoWriMo thing (an erotic novel in this case). Won't meet the deadline but it's still fun. You should be doing it too. Maybe not too late to start?

transience said...

there is something like delicate sadness lingering inside the words. waiting, waiting. i wait with it.

Pecos Blue said...

I agree I think this is one of the biggest illnesses of our time. Happiness is not found in a store. Enjoy your moments memories are the best presents to yourseld and others.

sirbarrett said...

It is one thing to not have what you want, which is disappointing, but to not want period seems sad. I've thought about this too that you have to discipline yourself to make yourself hardy so that you can survive in the face of scarcity, but if that is for the purpose of saving yourself for things when they do come along, if you don't enjoy them then, then what good is it? There is a quote from the bible that says "if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out, and if your arm causes you to sin, cut it off, for it is better to enter the kingdom of heaven deaf and blind..." and then I forget what the point of killing your sense is. It must have something to do with not doing wrong. However, we all use our senses and it is with them that we do and take part in good things. I think the point is to not become compulsive in the way we use our senses either way. I encourage you to re-sensitize yourself by indulging and opening up your mind to the potential to feel wonderful sensations. You already enjoy the weather you're having, which is great. I don't enjoy your enjoyment any less because it is freezing cold here. Actually the thought of the sun warms me up. Do not become greedy, but do not become disgusted with everything either. The world can be a beautiful place. Your words simply add to it.

Jyotsna said...

Its okay to want but not let it take over your life...looking forward to having something is the crux anyway..
how have you been dear gulnaz?
Hugs
:)

Perfect Virgo said...

This feeling is crushing G. I have spent years drifting in it. When you eventually start to lose interest in the things that normally give you pleasure then you realise you are in deeper than before.

Paralysis ground me to a halt and I tried to seek help this time but it was futile. I came to realise the only help comes from within - and painfully slowly. I don't expect too much too soon and I am trying to love the people that matter to me. That helps...

Dan Husain said...

Hey Gulnaz

Honest writing always appeals. I loved the imagery in the closing line. That was really well thought of.

However, a minor suggestion. How would it be if you substitute 'fragrance' for 'perfume' in the opening lines?

Cheers

Dan

gulnaz said...

thank you all of you!! very very very much, will reply individually later, just wanted to say thanks!!! :)

felt really good reading all the warmth.

Arunima said...

the weather does things to you. I don't know about people wanting too much though.

venus said...

you know, not wanting anything resolves many problems, and many problems arise from wanting so many things? Think of yourself as a lucky one, blessed one, that you are not wanting anything :)

Roger Stevens said...

Looking forward to you connecting again...

Love and peace

iamnasra said...

Its nice to see you writing even though cold is creeping on you...

I have read this before but I thought I will leave you a small note

Brood Mode said...

loved ur description of winter, beautiful!

Serenity said...

I love the ending of this post. I totally relate to being the type of person who is always wanting and yet not appreciating what incredibly profound joy I have in my life. Thank you for the reminder to appreciate what I have more.

Cocaine Jesus said...

still missing. one great writer.
still missing. one great poet.
still missing. one great blogger.
still missing. you.

Brood Mode said...

where are u?

Cocaine Jesus said...

HEY!
SEXY!
WHERE
THE
HELL
ARE
YOU
????

Anonymous said...

So beautiful you depict, us human, no matter where we are, how old...
makes me think about how much we are all alike.

MOON
http://spaces.msn.com/members/MoooonRiver/

Neel said...

you write so incredibly. ive missed your blog.

Shubhodeep said...

hey, we're missing you!!!!!!!!!(ill add more exclamations if you want)

Bonatellis said...

knock knock!!

mermaid said...

Gulnaz, I know the darkness. It is a deep void that makes it difficult to resurface. Keep your inner flame of beauty close, and I will watch for that flame as if it were my own.

Rare Blue said...

I had to come back and find out where you were! I have a feeling that the same passion that has gripped me has you as well. Family. Life. Love. Work.

Come back soon....

G.

Paul said...

Where'd you go? Actually I'm still mostly in suspended animation myself. (Well, my blog, and not me personally. At least not that I'm aware of.)

Santanu said...

You havn't blogged for more than a month now, Gul. Hope all is well.

zhoen said...

Beautiful.

De.vile said...

Yip, tis pretty nice here. 19 degree and killer cool in a humid city. Love it, too.

Love the way u write. Rocks.

Anonymous said...

Gulnaz, sorry for the off topic comment but I need a favor. Please update my bloglink:

http://www.gonomad.com/traveltalesfromindia/

Mridula said...

Gulnaz, the above anon is me. Sorry for the confusion.

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

Hi Gulnaz are you OK?

Roger Stevens said...

Happy New Year. Hope we'll see you back soon.

XXX

Idi said...

nice winter story
nice to read:
"I learnt to sit still and not want anything"
This is the same I want for me: to do deeds with inner peace not wanting anything.
"Patience will bring forth perseverence..." - I wish you that for the New Year
Yours,
Heidi

Zofo The Hermit of Wandering Thoughts said...

Loss of Desire, indifference to needs...

This post reminds me of a song by the GOO ..GOO.. Dolls - IRIS (City of Angels OST) there is a line in that which goes....
When everything’s made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can’t fight the tears that ain’t Coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive


A very nice blog here, irst visit and I likee v much
cheers
Z

Cocaine Jesus said...

Too long this silence. I truly miss your words. Hurry back.
x

Sweety said...

Knock Knock...come back soon....:)n wish u a happy new yr....:)

death said...

yeah, you make sense

Anonymous said...

Happy new year Gulnaz!! Missing you!

NicoleBraganza said...

Hey Gulnaz Come back yaaarrrrr!

MAHARAJADHIRAJ said...

hey Gulnaz where are u?

Shubhodeep said...

hey gulnaz

have a great new year!!!


SOS !!! WHHERE ARE YOU? COME BACK SOON!!

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

Happy New Year Gulnaz may it be a special one, one answer will do it's not supposed to be a chore, just so we know you're OK

Jaxe said...

Gullllllllll Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaz *echo echo echo*

*cries*

where are you!!

j

Blue Athena said...

A very fine line between contentment and renouncing. Nice post!

:)

Lorena said...

gulnaz, i hope you are doing well. let us know you are okay, ok?

:) take care girl!

Sk8RN said...

Where are you? We miss you!

zhoen said...

There are those who are grateful, and those who feel entitled. I'm afraid those who are grateful take to heart lessons meant for the "entitled." Desiring when there is bitter disappointment that it is not just given -is bad. Wanting, in the bare sense of accepting good, is fine.

So, come write, but I won't demand it.

sirbarrett said...

GULNAZ!!!

Come dance in the moonlight, on stilts that raise up above the canopies, so high that you can pick the stars out of the sky.

Hazel Dream said...

hmm

Potted-flower said...

You're violet, and they're red. I get it.

If you get time, please visit my site.

xxx

finnegan said...

I am still waiting and hoping and wondering...

Nocturnal said...

It's funny how you have to see the needy side first before realising it's not necessary.

Cheers.

iamnasra said...

I wonder when will you be back for sure you will be missed where you are