Friday, September 30, 2005

by the pond of stillness

the cackling geese align themselves along the edge of the huge putrid pond. a white line of noise parting the still green. it is covered with slime, no pelican, no herons here. the stillness of scum. long graceful necks balanced on awkward webbed feet look up to the sky, the geese sing a dirge. how long before it is their turn, nobody will sing for them. silly creatures with orange beaks and muddy feathers, protectors of the water, nestling in their dreams.

It is sad when cities let their oldest inhabitants die, used and yet uncared for.

the evening breeze on my sweat sparkled cheeks takes me across the miles to you. ah! these noisy birds, fly away, phsshooo now! i walk a little faster but still only in circles. i look over the dying pond. stillness is malignant. I have a strong urge to churn up these stagnant waters....to save it, to make it breathe again.

in the shade of trees
the birds sang and loved
we walked beneath

from the waters to the skies
prayers rise
i collected darkness of my heart
in cupped hands
prayers rise
i kiss the ground
surrendering to his will
with my prayers i rise.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Monday, September 12, 2005

lost not found

tiny insect carcass
found - flat and dry
between pages.

glow worms
gone - lost
little lights.

night
sans moon
silence in the sky.

i hear her lilting laughter in your face in the darkness of this room.
making excuses, reasons for you, silently.
adding drops of silence in your coffee, bitter and no cream. always.
cat cries in the distance and i bite my tounge.
sea air rushes in unmindful of manners turning you over to me.
i bend down. the body remembers what the mind forgets. what it wants to forget.
gather sea breeze in your arms -lay it under my feet for silence squeezes my heart.

where does this sadness comes from? my heart grieves for wounds which it has not ...cries for losing that which it never found.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Thanks Finnegan

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit to be
cumbered with your old nonsense.
This day is all that is good and fair.
It is too dear, with it's hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Saturday, September 10, 2005

hmmm.......

“How come I am the only giving, all the time”, I asked my Mom. “You have started expecting way too much of people now”, was her exasperated reply. She was right, as usual. I was shocked. What kind of a person have I become? Somebody who keeps a mental auditing system? I don’t remember being like this. I use to enjoy giving for the sheer sake of giving…. I still give but the shrill voice of expectation strikes a jarring note.

Few days back, an astrologer told me that the letters G and P are ‘unlucky’ and hence I should change my name or its spelling. This bit was free and of course the correction would have cost me a couple of hundred bucks. Of course, I did not believe him but there was this niggling feeling that perhaps he is right. From someone who always considered herself as fortunate and blessed, I have started picking out patterns of misfortune in my life. Hardly a cheerful sport and the strange part is when I considered myself lucky, I use to feel better and positive, its the reverse now.

I am not an independent person. I have made many mistakes in my life but the worst mistake has been to neglect my dreams to the point that I don’t have any now. I sought to please. Perhaps I got convinced that as long as I would please others, they would take care of me. It doesn’t work that way or if it does then not for long but how do I take care of myself now, how is it done?

Well the one thing that I am beginning to grasp, tentatively yet, is that there is no such thing as a good life or a bad life. There is only interesting life or a not-so-interesting life. Furthermore the interesting-ness should be defined in narrow and wholly individual terms. It is my own person I need to strengthen, my will. There has to be a largeness of the soul, which should expand to contain more, but it should be rich enough to sustain me as well. I have no idea how to nourish and grow my soul thus but this is something I need to learn. How does one feed one’s soul?

At least my soul should be independent. That is what I need to learn. This is where I should begin.

Friday, September 09, 2005

dissolving

The curtain covering the window behind the computer, parts a wee bit and my eyes turn as if it were magnet to the glorious clouds, silver and dense in the pale blue sky. I will be leaving on Tuesday.

I will be gone for while. Time out for me. I am not expecting to find all the answers. A part of me wants to remain and wallow in misery but I have to find the energy to at least want to go on. I hope I’m not sounding too bleak here. I tend to dramatize perhaps and I would rather talk about cheerful things here.... I hate bringing others down with me or making them uncomfortable. It never does help, you know. A lil bit of it is fine but more than that is too much indulgence. Anxiety tastes like metal on the tongue and vinegar in stomach and you tend to get dissolved in it as if you were a piece of chalk in something acidic. Dissolving entirely, lost forever. I am just rambling here, maybe I need to.... a lil bit.

It is still early evening. I think I will go out...shopping is such a chore for me! I rarely enjoy it. By the by, I just finished reading, the world according to Garp by John Irving. I had never heard of the book before but I could barely put it down once I started it. Its a delightful, insightful book about life and death and loving and how hard all three are.

Bright blue
Burns
The candle's heart

Melting shadows
Dissolve
With the night

pardon me please

There is no power crisis in my city for there is no power...more than half the time! On top of that the power company has the gall to go around harassing people! The situation is so vile, please excuse my verbal bile but I have such fantasies of gratifying violent acts that I am doling out to these morons responsible for making an entire city suffer in darkness and stifling heat. Politics, corruption and poor management and the fact that its not the capital or a 'big' city to attract enough media frenzy to shame the giant machinery into some kind of decency. Its a city caught between the ruling national party on one side, the party ruling the state and the third party, oh well, it comes into action only when a mosque needs to be broken!

Am I losing perspective here, surely. I just read a factory-owner died of cardiac arrest on being troubled and terrified by the power company people for the bills, which he had paid. That is the power an Indian government official can wield, the power of life and death.

I just hate it when somebody is bullied so.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

petite words

-How many kisses will it take from me, here to you, there? I asked him as I lay in white embroidered muslin watching his bare feet keeping time on the wooden tiles. He cocked his head slightly and smiled. – Why do u want to waste your kisses covering the distance? Why indeed? -Maybe because I want to tempt you and then perhaps, the distance once covered with kisses, might seem at least, sweeter. The petite ivory flowers on the muslin moved between my fingers.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

falling

in the darkness
of your eyes
i search for light
the night presses me down
pushing me
under
lower
still
i slip
nails grasping flesh
my fall broken
by a promise kept.
searching for light
in the darkness
of your eyes

Friday, September 02, 2005

Tagged by Potted-Flower

Seven things I am thinking about... Now:
1. adult rating
2. hmm adult rating
3. ok, parental guidance on this one
oh well my brain is stuck in this rut, all my thoughts are x-rated right now, sorry! :(

Seven things I should be doing... now:
1. time for the evening prayer, so i should be doing that
2. wanted to pick up a book
3. had to go shopping
4. exercise...just not in the mood to sweat, have already spent half a day without electircity.
4. penance, i should be doing that all the time
5. visit my neighbours, something i have been thinking of doing forever.
6. ask somebody to make me a cup of coffee....yeah am lazy and spoilt!
7. get my tickets done for____

Seven things I would ask God if I actually believed in his existence:
Well i do believe in his existence, still...
1. do u love me?
2. are u angry with me?
3. why is there all this madness in the world?
4. how come people fight and kill in your name?
5. How come there are so many rules?
6. will you forgive me my sins?
7 will keep you my family together?

Seven things that I think are funny. Haha :
1. Mr bean
2. My 3 month-old niece when she talks to me, her expressions make me laugh so!
3. My freinds and I, when we are sad specially!
4. Melodramatic or emotional scenes in movies, especially when watching with freinds.
5. talking to pretentious persons.
6. listening to pretentious persons, especially when they want to sing.
7. life, ok now i am becoming pretentious! haha

Ok now I tag:
This is tricky, many people dont ejoy being tagged or wont do it, so this is open to whomsoever wishes to reply to this. You may post your replies here on the comment page or if you do at your blog, let me know, would like to read your answers.


Right now check out
www.livinginpoetry.blogspot.com for Patry's interview. Seriously, she writes wonderfully, you can read her poems at www.waiteresspoems.blogspot.com or visit her blog at www.themarvellousgarden.blogspot.com.