Friday, September 09, 2005

dissolving

The curtain covering the window behind the computer, parts a wee bit and my eyes turn as if it were magnet to the glorious clouds, silver and dense in the pale blue sky. I will be leaving on Tuesday.

I will be gone for while. Time out for me. I am not expecting to find all the answers. A part of me wants to remain and wallow in misery but I have to find the energy to at least want to go on. I hope I’m not sounding too bleak here. I tend to dramatize perhaps and I would rather talk about cheerful things here.... I hate bringing others down with me or making them uncomfortable. It never does help, you know. A lil bit of it is fine but more than that is too much indulgence. Anxiety tastes like metal on the tongue and vinegar in stomach and you tend to get dissolved in it as if you were a piece of chalk in something acidic. Dissolving entirely, lost forever. I am just rambling here, maybe I need to.... a lil bit.

It is still early evening. I think I will go out...shopping is such a chore for me! I rarely enjoy it. By the by, I just finished reading, the world according to Garp by John Irving. I had never heard of the book before but I could barely put it down once I started it. Its a delightful, insightful book about life and death and loving and how hard all three are.

Bright blue
Burns
The candle's heart

Melting shadows
Dissolve
With the night

26 comments:

Dale said...

Hugs. "All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well" --

eden said...

hi i hope everythings going well out there! good day!

Hirdu said...

"I am not expecting to find all the answers" - Do you really want all the answers?

Anyhow All the best !!

yvaine said...

A walk does help clear our minds. Enjoy your "walk". Hope it brings you the answers you are looking for.

. : A : . said...

Have a good time and be back soon. You deserve the break!

feminine expressions said...

gulnaz, you write in prose yet your lines carry poetry barely below the surface...

be blessed where you are going. i will be here waiting when you return...

Russell Ragsdale said...

Remember to give yourself a break, nobody else can (no matter how much we wish to)! We all hope and pray all will be well with you!

Mars said...

Hi Gulnaz, hope you find what you are looking for, or better yet, peace of mind...*hug*..

Jaxe said...

about life and death and loving and how hard all three are.

Loving is what we do
Between the other two :-)

Ironically, U2's "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" popped up on my mp3 player as I read this...

And Gulnaz, we'll always be right here for you. Clear your mind. Find your energy ;-)

gulnaz said...

Dale- hugs! thanks!

Eden- thanks for wishing me well.

Hirdu- seeing you after a long time, hope you are doing fine. :)

yvaine- yes my head needs clearing. :)

.:A:. - i hope to have a good time and its good to know that i'll be missed. :)

feminine expressions- it feels so goood to be told that! thank U!

Russell- it actually feels like a family here, so much warmth! thanks and you take care too.

Mars- yes peace of mind is a good thing to find especially when you feel you are losing your mind. *hug* :)

Jaxe- you are such a sweetheart!! thanks!!! btw, i love that song....that entire album is great! :)

Ash said...

Gulnaz, enjoy your brak, and hope you are refreshed by it :)

Akruti said...

U will be missed.Takecare and have a wonderful time and comeback soon:)

mermaid said...

You need to dissolve into nothing, in order to become something. Peace be with you.

Lorena said...

you will be missed. enjoy the time off and come back soon :) hope you find some peace.

gulnaz said...

Ashweeta- thank you! :)

Akruti- thanks once again dear! :)

Mermaid- thank you for that! :)

Lorena- thanks a lot sweetie...!!!

Tomas said...

we choose our happiness very carefully..... it is a shame we are not so demanding of our depressions... good luck on your vision quest my friend, may you find the answer you seek... trust me, it IS out there... just close yr eyes and look

Bonatellis said...

a lady who doesn't like shopping?? huh??

gulnaz said...

Tomas- thanks....you are a freind! have been bit blue lately and i want to beat the hell out of those damn blues. :)

Bonatellis- its hardly a virtrue more a neurosis, i think. though i enjoy good things, i dont particulary enjoy spendnig money. :)

Samudraa said...

and where r u going?a holiday? (if i may ask) and u rem that long pending mail?

finnegan said...

when will you be back? I hope not too long. I feel like we've got a relationship to work on.

w v = ximoeeh (the place you're travelling to?)

gulnaz said...

Samudraa- yea its a holiday, will be seeing some freinds. :) i'm sorry for not writing, totally forgot, sorry.

finn- i'll be gone for about a week i think, that is not too long. :)
w.v.= ximooeeh ( sounds more like a trendier version of the kimono)

small squirrel said...

good travels... metaphorical and otherwise. we all need time off. peace, dear. :)

Mridula said...

Gulnaz, I can never expect to cope with my simple mundane life without taking breaks. You deserve one and enjoy it.

gulnaz said...

small squirrel- thanks you are right! :)
Mridula - thanks! :) i know how much you enjoy travelling yourself.

sirbarrett said...

Whether you're shopping or writing a poem, I hope you find a bright light to sooth your heart. You don't bring me down, you show me which way is up.

iamnasra said...

Bright blue
Burns
The candle's heart

Melting shadows
Dissolve
With the night


and my answer to you

Bright Blue
Brightens
earthly soil and sky

Bright Sun
Awakens
Sleeping earth

Gleaming light
Returns
Sunshine into our souls

Copyright 2005 nasra al adawi