Monday, September 12, 2005

lost not found

tiny insect carcass
found - flat and dry
between pages.

glow worms
gone - lost
little lights.

night
sans moon
silence in the sky.

i hear her lilting laughter in your face in the darkness of this room.
making excuses, reasons for you, silently.
adding drops of silence in your coffee, bitter and no cream. always.
cat cries in the distance and i bite my tounge.
sea air rushes in unmindful of manners turning you over to me.
i bend down. the body remembers what the mind forgets. what it wants to forget.
gather sea breeze in your arms -lay it under my feet for silence squeezes my heart.

where does this sadness comes from? my heart grieves for wounds which it has not ...cries for losing that which it never found.

48 comments:

Lorena said...

wow, those last few lines really speak volumes for me. it's hard losing what you never had to begin with. i love this poetic prose.
"adding drops of silence in your coffee, bitter and no cream"

great post gulnaz.
yay, i'm the first to comment :)

Gama said...

Nicely done I must say gulnaz :-)

Tomas said...

damn it lorena.... i wanted to be the first to comment.... ok, well your's is probably better than mine anyway... {distracted}... seriously gulnaz, once again you touch me with your ability to 'see' deeper than most.... from all i can sense, you are a very old soul as well... on a precipice.. and asking all the right questions

Mridula said...

Gulnaz, coupled with your earlier post your mood still sounds somber. Cheer up girl. Sometimes I hate internet. What and how much can we say to each other over keyboards?

Anonymous said...

Dear Gulnaz,

To quote your Blog's standard bearer:

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” [Anais Nin]

I would tell you to stretch, take a deep breath in, exhale, smile because you're alive, get away from the keyboard for a few days and find yourself someone completely new who can be the beneficiary of what appears to me to be a wealth of pent up affections inside a lovely human being - and you could even incorporate some of Ms. Ninn's wisdom in the adventure.

I would tell you this, but that I know much of the best writing comes from the place where you are presently.

Yours,

Not so anonymous.

. : A : . said...

This one just flows from one sentence to the other Gulnaz. Beautifully written.

transience said...

your last few posts resonate with so much, insight, dear. it's like you're faced with so many chances at a new beginning. there's so much adventure waiting around the corner, and i do hope you enjoy and grieve and learn from each and every one.

iliana said...

Very nicely done. Love the first stanza. It starts conveying how things are forgotten yet they will always be there.

feminine expressions said...

...cries for losing that which it never found...

oh, gulnaz, your words are dripping with emotion and land on a most poignant line.

and anonymous above, your comments are exquisite. i will claim them for my own as well as for gulnaz!

Dale said...

cries for losing that which it never found

Those are always the hardest losses.

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

lovely gentle words, liked the immage of the husk of an insect, trapped between pages

gulnaz said...

Lo- you get a hug and a warm mocha for coming first! :) thanks, glad you liked it girl! cheers!

Gama - thank you!! :)

Tomas - hey you are peeping into my soul here. btw, most times my head is in a purple haze. :)

Mridula- we can say a lot more perhpas that we can say otherwise. i would not say the words i write here otherwise. i'm so touched by your concern...its such a warm feeling. you take care too and hey am smiling now. :)

Dear not-so-anon, you have me intrigued and thinking about your kind and wonderful words. thank you!

.:A:. - thanks, i am glad you think so. sometimes the words come, like the inexplicable urge the tounge gets to roll around foreign words.

trans- sweetie those words you write are like words from a priestess! thanks, love you!!

iliana- Hey its good to see you, hope you have setlled down in uk by now. :) we live with ghosts it seems. :)

feminine expressions- yes, anon's comment are exquisite, arent they!
emotions are such strange silly things, fleeting and yet they impressions that they leave behind lasts far longer.

Dale- yes!!

Sue- husk of an insect that is a better word, should have used that perhaps. somedays back i was reading a wonderful book of short stories, the interpreter of maladies by jhumpa lahiri...had borrowed it from a library and there trapped between the pages lay the little husk of an insect, it stayed in my mind.

johnny boy said...

Well i'm a lil late to comment, and thus whatever I wanted to say, has been conveyed in the previous comments :)) U deserved the accolades you get, gulnaz!
BTW, why is there a gloomy touch to the poetry? Jus to add to the 'feel', or does it reflect ur mood??? Ok gulnaz, what about a cheerful n smiley post next up? :) We know how good you are, at evoking emotions. Emotions also include 'cheerful' stuff! Wud love to read a vibrant one from you now!what say? ;))
Hey, not taking anything away from this one, you jus continue to impress, what else can i say? :)

mermaid said...

Let yourself be open to whatever the sea breeze brings, as unpleasant as it is. Welcome it, hug it, kiss it, and above all, love her, love you.

deewani said...

I loved this post :-) It says so much. Very touching.

Tomas said...

can't help it... i am an empath
a gift and a curse.... funny i can take on evryone's pain but my own
{sigh}

Russell Ragsdale said...

Hoorah, I finally got on haloscan! Hope you'll be able to keep in touch while traveling. Wrote a lament for your pain and posted it on my blog! Have a refreshing holliday!

gulnaz said...

johnny boy- the post does reflect my mood. anyway thanks for the appreciation, it amazes me actually.

mermaid- yeah, that is what i should do.

deewani- thank you, glad you liked it. :)

Tomas- you need to soothe your own pain. empathy can be a curse only when you forget yourself...i can understand that....but believe me it leads to no good. take care of yourself. hugs

Russell- just read it and am deeply moved! thanks!

NicoleBraganza said...

Its a sombre mood, but so fantastically expressed!

. : A : . said...

The foreign words is an interesting comparison. We learn all the time.

eden said...

i find this very touching and what i can say is cheer up!

Cocaine Jesus said...

another melancholic missive from the mistress of maudlin matters.
your sadness amazes me. not in a cruel or an uncaring way but more as a bitter memory from my own experience.
you can hold this poem close to you as though it were a weeping friend.
sadly delightful.

rusty said...

Somehow it hurts more to have lost what you never found.....

Roger Stevens said...

I like the poem.

By the way - the letters G and P are incredibly lucky. I thought you should know that.

Pallavi said...

Ahh sweets cry for what you have found and lost and not the other way... SIGH

Ash said...

i know that sadness.
It lies coccooned in a bundle of joy.
And is utterly inexplicable.

For me, I think it is a fear of losing the happiness that lies within ... I don't know how it is for you

But a beautiful post as usual ...

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

That's lovely, then you took it and made it live again

stella said...

my heart cries for yours as well...this was so vivid and touching... thanks gulnaz for such a lovely post as usual.

Santanu said...

What a beautiful post!
Your writings often remind me of Urdu poetry. I am sure you are equally good at that if not even better!

finnegan said...

This is one of my favorites Gulnaz.

I prefer this sort of expression when
you have the blues! Its wistful feeling
makes it swirl in the mind a whole lot.

and so does this verification word: whgolwl
"whoring go-go owl?"

Pincushion said...

..its like a lost, haunting, barely rememberd melody that comes floating across time and distance...
so beautifully written, such wistfulness,...
it reminded me a wound too...
simply beautiful!

Free Spirit said...

Wrote something about longing for someone I never had, before, so I can relate with this post.

Really is sad.

M said...

Moving last lines.....

Anil said...

adding drops of silence in your coffee....

that was particularly beautiful...

sirbarrett said...

You have such genius! Do you have good muscle memory? I enjoyed that, the 'body remembers what the mind doesn't' It made me think of traumatic flashes in the heads of troubled lovers, of wounds that stay with us. It's as if those people involved, or from whose point of view it is find only inklings of what they once had, and it eats them up, though their reactions to those reminders are never less vivid than the original occurance, and indications of them sit in their eyes, to be read by all (because you delivered it). I like the dynamic between the bitter man and the righteous woman, if that is at all what they are; the voices in this poem.

Carrie said...

i can't believe u made me feel so much for something so small!

Anonymous said...

Im speechless...you writing egins with many haiku episodes then it takes you to a new path...you soul remains if the few stars and you linger there but then you find other glittering stars and you wish to remain over and so till you end you poetic words and you wish to become the sky so you become the space for all the passing stars

TC
Nasra

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

Just saying Hi how are you?

stan laurel said...

I love your ability to combine prose and poetry into wonderful pieces of art. This one is a great example. I like you lead the reader in with a vivid poem, then lull the reader into silence looking for what is lost. Bravo!

small squirrel said...

again lovely... but I am sad to see you in so much pain, seemingly overwhelmed by melancholy. ah but we all have our phases, yes? do take care, nurse the wounds... doesn;t matter what caused them.

Tomas said...

true words of an empath, and beautifully written

anumita said...

Beautiful! Even thought of putting it all together in a book and publishing it? Trust me, it ll be a best seller.

venus said...

i liked "adding drops of silence in your coffee, bitter and no cream. always." part, though I'm not a coffee lover :)

Jaxe said...

unbelievalbly striking work Gulnaz, as always *sigh* The last few sentences were questions i've often asked myself. Are you sure your not a prophet or oracle or something, with all this wisdom :-) Miss you!

j

yvaine said...

"the body remembers what the mind forgets."

So true, so sad, so true.

sometimes I wonder how I can miss something so much when it (he) was never mine to begin with.

Anonymous said...

Sadness takes upon on our soul in many shapes and colours...

Loves the way you have potrayed over here...

Regrads
Nasra

Pecos Blue said...

very powerful--who knows what came with you into this life or what is happening in other realms around you. I just saw a great move on quantamphysics--called What the Beep Do We Know! I think you would like it.

gulnaz said...

Nicole- thanks baby! :)

.:A:. - all the time :)

eden- thanks :)

cj- that was sooo sweet, thank you!!

rusty- yep

Roger - thanks and i'm relieved to know that G aint unlukcy. :)

Pallavi- *sighs*

Ash- glad you liked it!

Sue- :)

Stella- am so glad you liked it so.

Santa- thanks but am afraid my knowledge of urdu poetry is very limited. i havent written in urdu though am deeply fond of it. ghalib is my favourite poet and i love the subtle nuances and the sound of it. (urdu)

finn- thanks sweetie!!

Pins- you are too kind. :) thanks

Free Spirit- glad you could relate to it and thanks for dropping by, hope you do visit again. :)

M- :)

Anil - thanks buddy

sirbarrett- enjoyed your perspective, thank you!!

Mitzee- that is because you have a heart which can feel for small things. :)

Nasra- loved your perspective on it, thanks!

Sue- am good how are you? :)

Stan- you are such a wonderful writer yourself, am honoured that you liked this.

small squirrell- sometimes situations can be crazy but well....thanks darling :)

Tomas- thanks :)

Anumita- thanks, well i dont know how to go about it and you are a sweetheart to say so. :)

Venus- well than special thanks :)

Jaxe- as always you are sweet, thanks and hey i missed you too. :) btw, my wisdom comes in flashes and lasts only that long. :)

yvaine- a need unfullfilled, a longing that is all there is to it.

Nasra again- thanks darling!

PB- an amazing thought! thanks!