Saturday, September 10, 2005

hmmm.......

“How come I am the only giving, all the time”, I asked my Mom. “You have started expecting way too much of people now”, was her exasperated reply. She was right, as usual. I was shocked. What kind of a person have I become? Somebody who keeps a mental auditing system? I don’t remember being like this. I use to enjoy giving for the sheer sake of giving…. I still give but the shrill voice of expectation strikes a jarring note.

Few days back, an astrologer told me that the letters G and P are ‘unlucky’ and hence I should change my name or its spelling. This bit was free and of course the correction would have cost me a couple of hundred bucks. Of course, I did not believe him but there was this niggling feeling that perhaps he is right. From someone who always considered herself as fortunate and blessed, I have started picking out patterns of misfortune in my life. Hardly a cheerful sport and the strange part is when I considered myself lucky, I use to feel better and positive, its the reverse now.

I am not an independent person. I have made many mistakes in my life but the worst mistake has been to neglect my dreams to the point that I don’t have any now. I sought to please. Perhaps I got convinced that as long as I would please others, they would take care of me. It doesn’t work that way or if it does then not for long but how do I take care of myself now, how is it done?

Well the one thing that I am beginning to grasp, tentatively yet, is that there is no such thing as a good life or a bad life. There is only interesting life or a not-so-interesting life. Furthermore the interesting-ness should be defined in narrow and wholly individual terms. It is my own person I need to strengthen, my will. There has to be a largeness of the soul, which should expand to contain more, but it should be rich enough to sustain me as well. I have no idea how to nourish and grow my soul thus but this is something I need to learn. How does one feed one’s soul?

At least my soul should be independent. That is what I need to learn. This is where I should begin.

19 comments:

feminine expressions said...

asking the question is your beginning. you have begun...

if you are accustomed to pleasing others, attempting to pursue your own dreams may feel narcissistic at first. do not let those feelings derail you...

your first responsibility is to be true to your own dreams (which are a gift from God, whatever your vision of God may be), your right and your responsibility to be the purest you and your purest reflection of your Source...

please forgive me for getting on a platform here but your post is intriguing and compelling to me.

asking the question is the beginning of your feeding your own soul. you have begun...

finnegan said...

Gulnaz dear,

Finish every day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.
Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely
and with too high a spirit to be
cumbered with your old nonsense.
This day is all that is good and fair.
It is too dear, with it's hopes and invitations,
to waste a moment on the yesterdays.


Ralph Waldo Emerson

thoughts said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
thoughts said...

hey..
i had this nagging feeling yesterday... nuthing made sense... i on the contrary have lived a lot for myself.. but never independently.. someone's always been there but never for ever.. hv taken decisions which hv left me in the midst of no where...its actually tough to start from the scratch... but can't complain abt not leading an interesting life... let's c where it all leads me to...at times i am strong .. the other time so helpless... Ralph Waldo Emerson makes a lot of sense :)....am sure u gonna come out strong...and as feminine expression has rightly said - asking the question is the beginning of your feeding your own soul. you have begun...

Pecos Blue said...

She is right you have begun. And to continue keeping questioning your motivations for things. Clear your life of people and things that take from you and look for people and things and hobbies that support you. If you are not sure what those are now. Then go and do something new out of your comfort zone. Push your self and you will be amazed by what you can do.

Russell Ragsdale said...

Hi sweetie! Good for you!

gulnaz said...

feminine expressions- please dont even for a moment think that i mind. in fact, i am deeply touched by your words. thanks a lot. tell you honestly, i hv no dreams anymore but i dont want to end up bitter or resentful and i see myself like that somedays.
thanks for your words....:)

finn- that is excellent! am going to post it on the main page, everybody should read it!

thoughts- thanks lady! its all about having experiences and if your experiences are interesting than you have lived a rich life.

i don't want to forget now.

Pecos blue- hugs!! you are such a sweethear! :)

Russell- thanks!! i loved your latest poem!

iamnasra said...

My mum feels that there is unlucky chain is attached to me...I would like to think its because of my name...oh because the pen name that I gave myself...

Any how if you tend to believe that you are unlucky it some get to be attached to you so I for one not matter how things go wrong i still think there another sign of God that i have to be good and I might be in bad track that blessings are missing in my life...you need blessings in your life I guess...So we go back to given ...how do you get blessing in ur life is by giving without waiting for return (i suppose) without knowing you are getting prayers abd blessing for those who you helped and things run smooth in your life...

. : A : . said...

Good introspection.

Just like there is no good or bad life, there are no lucky and unlucky letters to your name. Your life can be as interesting as you want to make it. Of course, circumstances do have a role to play. An independent soul is a bonus too!

:-)

Tomas said...

one feeds the soul with power gathered on this earth... stored for the next journey.... good or bad, it is still power... still learning....

wherein does our spirit lie
in self
or tree
or void

surely not of concious mind
or god
or deed
or word

Tomas

the cowlick said...

the worst mistake has been to neglect my dreams to the point that I don’t have any now
I'm quite sure how that feels.. And you're growing just by accepting your mistakes and by acknowledging that you need to grow.

gulnaz said...

nasra- i think once we start believing ourseleves to be unlucky, it muddies our vision. you are right, blessings come when you give without any expectation but its a tough lesson to learn sometimes. :)

.:A:. - i feel now i shd see life in terms of experiences and try to somehow invest richness in my experiences. the soul shouldnt depend on another's to make it happy, it shoudnt cling.

Tomas- the powerful soul is an enlightened soul...not there yet.
thank you for your wise words!

cowlick- thanks but i wonder...:)

Joel said...

I'm going to strike off in a slightly different direction from most of your commentators. Questioning your motivations for things all the time can lead to a condition which I call "spinning your wheels". You become overconcerned with analyzing each and every thing you do. And the result is paralysis.

I keep it simpler: I like being a kind person, so I am kind for its own sake. And I have learned to derive the fullest enjoyment from giving is to take good care of myself -- be sure to take breaks, eat right, exercise, do fun things for me.

If I were to spend my life asking "am I doing this because I want to fuck her?" for example, I would never be kind to anyone, female nor male. That bundle of emotion does not make one a better person: it renders one into a despot who crushes her own ego and then takes it out on others.

I don't think you want to be that person. I think you want to be you and, part of you, likes to give.

That's OK. Love the giving for the giving.

Mridula said...

I too would say be more kind to yourself. And it is sort of scary to hear you say you have no dreams. From your posts you do not seem to be such a person. Just wait and maybe they will come back, if you want them to. After all you just have to close your eyes and it may all begin.

gulnaz said...

Joel- thanks! you are right, over analysing is not the answer and i do enjoy giving. little things like if i can make somebody smile or cook them something nice, it actually feels good.

Mridula- i did not mean to be depressing, sorry sweetie but that is how i'm feeling. but yeah things might get better. :)

Patry Francis said...

I always knew we are connected, Gulnaz. I just finished a post about independence, and the balance between giving and taking and then I came here and found this.

gulnaz said...

Patry - :) its good to be connected with a wise soul like you.

Pallavi said...

know yourself well.. know your weakness well and strengths well ... work at overcoming your weaknesses and enhancing your strengths... and your soul will be replenished each time... living your life without expectations... yes it tests you but at the end of it it will be enough food for the soul... :)

yvaine said...

An independent soul. I suppose it starts with a high sense of self-awareness. It is a tough one to go through but one worthy of our time. I hope your soul finds its way.