Thursday, March 31, 2005

White waiting for kitty

Waiting on a spring afternoon for my stray kitty to come around for her lunch. I wonder lazily about this and that, while watching the sweeper wash the dusty courtyard. He makes rainbows with the arching water spraying from the hose. The little pink and white flowers drape the wall, which borders our neighbor’s, what a lovely border.

Stillness is soothing. Sitting quietly listening to the birds, the wind whistling in the trees, the distant traffic…rejuvenates. I can’t be with people all the time, though I enjoy the company of others. I need to be with myself, alone and quiet for just a little while at least. It brings me back to myself. Which is why I like the calmness of late afternoons or the half an hour before I finally doze off. At times like these, I want to wear a T-shirt, which reads, Out of Action for Repairs.

I think, Cupid shuts his eyes when he shoots his arrows to avoid responsibility and hence possibly curses. We must be fools to take life-altering decisions based on Cupid’s shooting practice. Bah! Sour grapes squirts!

Its actually beautiful to see couples in love...makes me smile. Instances: My brother helping his heavily pregnant wife down the stairs, holding her by her little finger; making a cup of Horlicks for her; forcing her to inhale vicks-vapours when she is ill. Insiya’s husband teaching her how to enjoy cartoons; mixing a tape of her favourite songs; allowing her to be herself and getting laser bleaching for her teeth. My mother blushing even after so many years of marriage, Mashallah! Dad, cooking up some delicious concoction while Mum’s watching her favourite serials on TV. The list can go on forever, God bless all the lovers in the world and keep them together, lusting and loving each other.

Its lunchtime: sort of hectic for we have a guest staying with us. Dishes and People going to and fro from the kitchen to the dining room and in midst of this rush hour, Kitty comes calling and she demands to be fed, now!

Kitty raises her head,
only a woman with a pail of water
goes back to nibbling fish.
Her sharp canine catches my eye
She comes back for more later.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Funny and Wise

Augustine's GNovel

Thank You

Today I learned how to open a link in a new window. A small thing for most people but not for me. The feeling I get when I learn something is so ummmm...Yippeee-like, I suddenly forget all the things about myself, which make me angry. Its probably because I don't know much to begin with and also because I am not the brightest spark around. Well, whatever, learning that one thing gave me a high. Now, why did I not realize this when I was in School??? The things that gave me a high then were far removed from learning.
However what warmed my heart was not the learning but the fact that somebody took out the time to teach me how to do it. I feel forever indebted to people from whom I have learned.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Wasted evening

Dusk falls on the crowded market. Honking cars, medley of voices and I hear only the noise in my head. We talk in clichés, I want to say, but its safer to stay quiet. Lights, colored and white begin to stream out of shops. Grand-looking shops squeezed alongside tiny shops. Cheap imported goods, ‘fancy items’, sit with lengths of cotton and silk. Boiled green peas arranged in neat piles on red plastic sheet covered stalls, dotted with tomatoes, onions and chilies. I am tempted only for a second; perhaps if he had pestered me, I would have given in. I would have given in even to the boy who sells cheap envelopes for a fancy price because he is studying, as he tells me every time I see him. My arm brushed against a woman, we don’t even bother to say sorry or smile at each other. I did not see anyone smile and yet they are all there to buy happiness. I just want to go home. Markets can really depress me sometimes, especially if I am there only to accompany and if the sun is beginning to go down.

The only thing that made me laugh was a wannabe kinda guy, wearing shades at six in the evening (no he wasn’t blind, he was at the steering wheel), listening to Anu Malik singing, “do me a favour, lets play holi!”

What do I know

gesture portrait study
Originally uploaded by BIGAWK.

At the end of the day, what do i know? What matters? A life lived with dignity. Love-wholesome and true. Simple pleasures, an honest life. Hard Work and smiles.

For M

I don't wanna lose you, don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you, don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door
But there's a danger in loving somebody to much

And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Now I could never change youI don't want to blame you

Baby you don't have to take the fallYes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert youMaybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunderto makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth keep thinking something's gonna change
But there's a danger in loving somebody to much

And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
And there's no way home

When its late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay
But there's a danger in loving somebody to much

And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

By Patti Smith and Don Henley

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Goof-up Update

I got my comments back...eventually...yowzaaa!
That's how much they are appreciated guys, so keep them coming.
I still have to add the links

How Stupid of me!

I added haloscan commenting, it did not warn me that my existing comments will be deleted and now they are gone! I am feeling awfully stupid! they meant so much to me! Damn Damn Damn! I am feeling terrible!
My deepest apologies to all those wonderful people who took out the time to post their comments. i am feeling awful at losing ALL those sweet comments. If anybody knows how to retreive them, please let me know.

Recieved angel-post

Received an email, a short sentence...a word of praise. It came from somebody I respect. It came at a time when I needed it. Felt a world of gratitude for the sender.
So the moral of the story is, don't ya hold back fellas, your kind words may do wonders for someone.

Saturday, March 26, 2005


Originally uploaded by ruelloehr.

Look at her tired mouth and her weary eyes. her thin hair sticking to her neck. She does not even take out her hands from her pockets to flick away the errant strand of hair from her face. Her coat buttons are open, perhaps she has walked too long and is feeling warm as a result. Whom has she been searching for on these hard roads. Her disarrayed clothes match her disgruntled look, the only thing which is not bleak, is the pink dress, like the remanants of hope or of happier times.


My mind has gone b l a n k.

tut -tut-tut

Friday, March 25, 2005


I bought myself a pair of new running shoes. I won’t be doing much running for the moment but will eventually, Insh’allah. I had hurt the cartilage in my left knee four months back and since then, no exercises. Last year when I had started on my exercise program it had been after a gap of two years, so it took me many baby steps to reach the point where I had become a compulsive exercise-addict. I would go to the gym in the mornings, do the floor exercises at home in the early evenings and walking/running after sunset. I was enjoying the sweat, the adrenaline rush, and the happy-hormones, oh I use to feel so charged up and positive, perhaps exhilarated is the word! I lost 10 kilos without dieting, so that was super. Over the last couple of years, I had accumulated lots of kilos by not exercising and eating as if I were. Well, then Ramzan came and my knee got hurt towards the end of the month. So since then, I have been idle and counting calories, which makes me feel sad and not being able to dance as freely makes me feel even more down as its one of my favourite upper.

Now that I have got my new shoes, I can begin to hope to get back into shape although it will take m-o-n-t-h-s-s-s-s-s-s but then it will be fun! The shoes I wanted to buy were red and very stylish but they were bloody expensive, so I settled for something less expensive for the moment. They are white with a baby pink narrow strip along the sides, from the heel to the middle of the shoe. They are sweet-looking but not hot but well they are comfortable and will serve me well.

I went for a walk in them earlier in the evening. It was such a pleasure. There was the unexpected breeze, soft and cool, whistling, come away with me as it lifted my hair. There was the big, shiny new moon following me around, prompting me to tell him my secrets. Such a crafty creature he is, I am sure he knows the secrets of the entire neighborhood, even those of silver-haired Mrs. Ahuja and her edgy daughter. Somewhere, a cat was crying, everybody hurts, I told myself but then the sun will shine on a brand new day to the twittering-tittering of the birds and the kitty will find some little mouse before the night is over.

An old box

I came across an old shoebox today. It’s a very smart box; my brother designed it. I had forgotten about it. In there I found some birthday cards.... wishes of crazy catastrophes from my loved ones. :) Silly pictures of friends posing, there is one where she is sitting on a covered toilet bowl with eyes and teeth clenched. Couple of letters, some not even posted and some read a million times. A letter from my brother, which he sent to me, when he had gone abroad to study, yep this is before email. :) He was barely 17. He writes about how cold it is there and how expensive even a pizza is. He keeps telling me not to worry and that he is going to be fine. He did well. God bless him! It’s a very old letter and I still can't finish it without crying. I found bits of ribbon and pretty pictures cut from magazines in that box and my school certificates. It is a lovely box and I am glad I found it.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Know now

I am feeling sour because when I got up this morning, the dream I was dreaming was better than reality. Humph! I kept lying in the bed for a long time building upon that dream but to my surprise it made me feel even worse.

Worrying about the future, its a new hobby of mine. I picked it up from well-meaning friends and family and have been devoting a lot of time and energy to it. Result: Less energy, disturbed sleep, hair loss and a silly doggone expression. Bah!

So, now I will just lose myself in the present. Whatever will be, will be.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

A lesson learnt

Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you.
-Perry Farrell
Sometimes it is neccessary to be hurt, to realise your mistake. For we get so involved in what we want, that we rarely stop to think if we might be hurting someone inadvertantly. Sometimes to see someone else suffer due to our mistakes, hurts even more.

I recently finished Thalassa Ali’s The Beggar at the Gate. Loved reading it. It’s a sweet and simple tale of love, set in the early nineteenth centaury. An English woman’s love for a little boy and how she eventually finds the love and home she seeks in the most unlikely of places. I liked that it is written with respect, fondness and admiration for the Indian culture. I learnt from it that destiny teaches us what we need to learn. God likes us to serve him through simple things like, charity, genuine repentance and unswerving faith. I learned that the ‘cleaner’ our heart gets the better we can understand his reasons. Another lesson learnt was that, we all are just instruments for his plans.

I lurrrv reading racy thrillers, John Grisham, Ian Rankins etc, but I like it when the book leaves me with something to think about.

Once, I saw this foreign movie, Egyptian I think, where a woman use to tell fortunes by reading the tealeaves or the pattern the coffee left in the cup. Now, although I don’t buy that stuff but its like reading a book and then gleaning some lessons from it.

My computer got ok today, I figured out what was wrong with it before the technical guy did. Its an old machine, nearing its end. Anyway, the point is that since I figured out the problem it gave me quite a buzz. If I can figure out anything even vaguely technical it makes me feel sooooo good, its like thumping my nose at my grade 6//7 school-teachers.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Seeking grace

Is it at all possible to start anew? I don't think so. We have to live with our sins hopefully not till eternity; hopefully there will be redemption. I realized too late, that the basic, old-fashioned values are the cornerstone of a peaceful life. I want to say I am sorry to all those whom I have wronged, intentionally and/or unintentionally.

When I see 'good' people, I can see a ‘lightness’ in them. I envy them their lightness.

Sickly thoughts

I have been sick the whole day, actually include the earlier night too. Lying in bed with an aching tummy, indigestion…too much eating lately. God makes sure I learn my lessons pronto, like this one for instance. Eating beyond my needs shall make me sick. Its true, I am given a quick rap across my knuckles when I am being bad, well it keeps me from straying too far which I tend to.

I hate being sick. I get terribly depressed when I have to lie in the bed, feeling uncomfortable and eating pills. A day or two of sickness and I feel I am dying. I get sad thoughts, dire thoughts, nobody-loves me thoughts, what-will-become of thoughts, will-I-survive-this thoughts…oh I am not a pleasant patient at all. Just one good thing about being sick today, was that I got to read my book without being disturbed…that is a joy in itself, to be able to turn page after page but then I stop reading after a while, as I like to make the book last longer.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Came across an acquaintance today.

He seeks love like an outcast seeks food in the dump outside the city limits. Bits of soiled food in torn, shiny wrappers...he is beyond caring if it is bad for him. Hunger will kill him that much he is sure of. Nobody really cares but still for the sake of old associations and appearances, they try to tell him its not love, that it won’t do him any good. But his face is lit up with an almost desperate excitement. There is a fragility and neediness in his eyes. The loneliness of all these years; the sadness of living with his mistakes and the hope that never dies…its all in his face. Its heavy to be with him. Its easy to dismiss him as an idiot who messed up his life, but in a rare moment of empathy, one can see that bad luck can curse just about anyone. Well, maybe he will find the happiness that he seeks with her.

Thanks Ruby for reminding me of my favourite poem

Ode To Autumn
SEASON of mists and mellow fruitfulness,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing sun;
Conspiring with him how to load and bless
With fruit the vines that round the thatch-eaves run;
To bend with apples the moss'd cottage-trees,
And fill all fruit with ripeness to the core;
To swell the gourd, and plump the hazel shells
With a sweet kernel; to set budding more,
And still more, later flowers for the bees,
Until they think warm days will never cease;
For Summer has o'erbrimm'd their clammy cells.
Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store?
Sometimes whoever seeks abroad may find
Thee sitting careless on a granary floor,
Thy hair soft-lifted by the winnowing wind;
Or on a half-reap'd furrow sound asleep,
Drowsed with the fume of poppies, while thy hook
Spares the next swath and all its twinèd flowers:
And sometimes like a gleaner thou dost keep
Steady thy laden head across a brook;
Or by a cyder-press, with patient look,
Thou watchest the last oozings, hours by hours.
Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?
Think not of them, thou hast thy music too,—
While barrèd clouds bloom the soft-dying day
And touch the stubble-plains with rosy hue;
Then in a wailful choir the small gnats mourn
Among the river-sallows, borne aloft
Or sinking as the light wind lives or dies;
And full-grown lambs loud bleat from hilly bourn;
Hedge-crickets sing; and now with treble soft
The redbreast whistles from a garden-croft;
And gathering swallows twitter in the skies.
John Keats

My freind's baby

She is not yet two and she wiped her mama’s tears.
She was not even an year old when she first sloppily kissed them away.

She is normally a scaredy little cat but becomes mama’s little knight, ready to make war with anyone whom she deems threatening to her mama.

She is a tiny angel, with soft dark wavy hair, big-button eyes, a sweet pout and with a mind of her own.

She taught me that the bond with my mother was forged when I was a pocket-sized edition of my present self.

God bless her right down to her little pink toes!

Thursday, March 17, 2005


I like collages. They are so much like life with their mis-matched pictures, random thoughts, noisy background and a thousand stories. So may layers, so many textures and all pulled together by a single, unifying idea...just like us and our lives, individual and distinct from another's.

angel schedule

angel schedule
Originally uploaded by rehuxley.

angels are all around us...its just that they are difficult to spot.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Magic Moment # 324354

Dad and my brother had returned earlier than usual. It was early evening; I was drinking tea with my parents, my brother and his wife. The tea was brewed a tad too bitter but the conversation was light and animated. There was no evening breeze and the sun was soft and fading. Dad was in a cheerful mood; it always makes me feel that everything is OK, when he is thus. My brother looked tired but I could see that he was satisfied with the smiles around him. Ammi, as usual when feeling good, was suggesting things-for-me-to-do and Khairull wanted us to go and have coffee.

I can still taste the sweetness of yesterday's evening. Such magic moments always pop up when you least expect them.

Last evening while walking in the lawn, I had picked up some flowers. Pink, mauve, crimson and orange...had wanted to press them but my brother pointed out, how fresh and pretty the bunch looked. So, I tied it up and put it in a tiny glass jar, in his room.

Later I went out for coffee and found a book, A Beggar at the Gate. Recommended by Ruby, I am enjoying reading it. Buying a book is always a treat for me.

'Thanks Gods'....(someone i know says it like that and I like it, it is somehow more emphatic :))

Ain't no angel gonna greet me...

Am sitting on my computer, Bruce Springsteen on TV singing, ‘streets of Philadelphia’ hijacks my attention. That song, his voice...always gets me. He is singing about, facing loneliness on the streets of a big city. Singing about the faceless-ness of the poor, of averted looks and quickened footsteps when darkness falls. Hmmmm…..

Beatles break the spell by asking to find me love...night goes on and so does the music on MTV...I’ll listen a while longer.

Loneliness is a bitch….oops. People change just as circumstances do. We flee the ‘unfortunate’ scared we might ‘catch’ it. If you are down at heel, your jokes are neither funny nor your stories entertaining. You try harder only to end up becoming a caricature of your earlier times and your eyes they desperately search for a friend.

Phew…God save all of us from such a day!

Enough…. they are playing Hip-hop now, best music to dance to, right up there with Reggae. Such sinuous beats for the body to move to, yummy.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

paapi gudiya

paapi gudiya
Originally uploaded by gulnaz.

me...feeling pink. :)

ti amo sweetie

My best freind told me, on going through my blog, that i write well. I am tickled pink. *silly smile*

owl-day today

Some days i feel like an owl, sitting on a tree, quitely, staring out at the world with its big, round eyes. Not understanding much, just taking it all in, perhaps to process it all some other day. I use to see such an owl often, as a kid in a tree at my neighbours. He used to look so serious and dour, totally without humour. I was terribly scared of him and would run across my neighbour's yard, just so that I did not see him. But, even while running I could not resist looking up to check if he was there and my pace would double, if i spotted him, staring down at me.

Then one day, when we had shifted to a new home, a similar owl, mistook a stuffed deer head, inside the house, for the real thing and it perched itself atop its antlers. He sat there quietly, till he was discovered by a woman who worked in our home. She began to chase him out with the help of two small towels and another servant. She was looking like a large bird herself.

From the safety of my room, I watched the object of my childood terror, itself, lost and terrified and althogether pathetic. Poor guy, himself wanted to go in the open, but lost his bearings, by being chased by a large woman running after him, waving her arms and screaming whoosh-whoosh. I was scared he might have a heart attack or worse still attack the poor woman. If the latter would have happened, i would have been too scared myself to help her. Anyway, he found his way out without any such drama.
Since then, owls don't scare me as much as they use to, though the violent fluttering of any feathered creature will still make my hands clammy and make me run in the opposite direction.

By the way, In European culture, unlike in ours, the owl is supposed to symbolise wisdom.


Originally uploaded by Joann1000.


Money Matters

Came across this somewhere on the net: "We spend money we don't have ,on things we don't need, to impress people we don't like!"
So true! Yet we all do it to varying degrees or have done it at some point in life. Why? To seek approval? To feel superior? I read some time back in the papers that people rate themselves more happy when they feel they are better off in comparison to their neighbours, relatives etc. Arent we a funny race and then we complain about feeling miserable and seeking happiness in pills and gurus. Ha!

There is a weekend program on CNBC about personal finance called The SUZY ORMAN SHOW. She is quite a colorful character and talks about lots of things I don't understand as I am a financial dud ( a technical one too) but she does talk a lot of sense too. She says, that we need to put people first, then money and then things. She says, that how we deal with our finances and debt is wrapped up with our self-esteem and will affect our personal relationships as well. The many callers bear this out. Another very wise thing, she says, is that before you buy something, think if you really need it, would it really bring you happiness and then go ahead and buy it.

Monday, March 14, 2005

A poem by Pablo Neruda


Naked, you are simple as one of your hands, Smooth, earthy, small, transparent, round: You have moon-lines, apple-pathways: Naked, you are slender as a naked grain of wheat. Naked, you are blue as the night in Cuba; You have vines and stars in your hair; Naked, you are spacious and yellow As summer in a golden church. Naked, you are tiny as one of your nails, Curved, subtle, rosy, till the day is born And you withdraw to the underground world, as if down a long tunnel of clothing and of chores: Your clear light dims, gets dressed, drops its leaves, And becomes a naked hand again.

My first post

At last, I got my blog on ... blog, such a stout little word. Hardly something to shout from the rooftops but still enough to put me in a good mood. Somebody had suggested the idea of a blog to me recently. I was slightly unsure about the idea to begin with as my life is the most booooooring life there can be but the thought kept nagging me and finally here I am. Though suddenly I can't seem to remember all the things I wanted to write about. Anyway, the very act of 'writing' is somehow very gratifying....maybe it is sheer self-indulgence, well so be it then. looking forward to squeezing out every drop of pleasure from it.