rambling

Today was a still and overcast day, heavy with moisture, which soon covered the skin with a thin film of sweat. I woke up tired, the guests who were here yesterday left in the evening, another remains and a couple are expected, on top off all this, preparations have to be made, for K (my bro's wife) will be delivering soon and so much remains yet to be done. She has been quite besides herself, making lists and ticking them off. It will be the first grandchild for my parents and all of us are naturally excited. Her due date was third week of June but today when she went to the hospital to get an ultrasound done, the doctor insisted that she be admitted straight away for monitoring and that she plans to do a C-section post Friday, anytime.

I am not the best planner in the world but I anticipate and prepare enough to be ready, not liking to do everything before hand or stretching myself to the utmost. I see it as a fault/laziness, which it is to an extent. However I realized today that life is about dealing with chaos and not making sure that everything goes according to the 'plan'.

I'm sooo tired, I just want to curl up in the bed with a good book and a nice hot cup of tea and then fall asleep but darn the power problem in this miserable state! I have so many emotions playing around in my head with this little one coming. Btw, my time on the net will be limited, so if I'm slack in commenting you know the reason. I am probably not feeling well ‘coz I am naturally not a low-energy person, maybe my throat infection is still not cured or maybe I am just feeling overwhelmed.

leaves on pane

CLENCHED SOUL

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

Pablo Neruda

...for those who will know about a clenched soul...

*wink*

Nasra, stumbled across my path and liked my stuff. She so sweetly asked me some questions about what I wrote and posted them on a blog which she has just begun. Its an honour I don't feel worthy of but well...:):) So I hope all of you visit and please don't think me to be vain. She is planning to do more of such interviews of her fellow bloggies...bloggers...bloggistas..whatever. :)

the interview

Musical minded meme

Thanks Johnny.

Total volume of music files on my computer:
None, since my sound card went bad, actually i'm flogging this poor computer to its last days...it has got so many problems! grrrr.

The last CD I bought was:
Some albums of Nusrat fateh Ali Khan and Abida Parveen. The former is no more, he was a sufi singer, with an amazing voice and the latter, she too is in her leauge....great stuff.

Songs playing right now:
Miss Sarajevo-Passengers featuring Bono....this is an old compilation in a twin set, released on Diana's death. It has some favourites of mine, like the above one, streets of philadelhia and make me a channel of your peace by sinead 'o connor.

five songs i listen to a lot, or that means a lot to me:
Losing my religion- REMGone fishing - Chris rea
Who's gonna ride your wild horses - U2
Total Eclipse of the heart - Bonnie Tyler
Unforgiven-MetallicaJersey Girl/streets of philadelhia/brillant disguise - Bruce Springsteen
Miracle/blaze of glory-Jon Bon Jovi
Zooropa - U2
I feel good - James Brown
Crazy - Seal
I'm going to stop here, though i should have stopped 5 songs ago but well...i still have many favourites.

Five people to whom I’m passing the baton:
Anumita, Neel Sen, Jamie Dawn, Pecos Blue, Nav Amole and any other who might want to take the this up.

Heart

Heart
Originally uploaded by gulnaz.

a heart in candy colours, a gift i painted for my parents...i know i'm no artist, it was the thought...and the thought was, i (heart) u.

morning comes

slight breeze

pink blossoms

quiver.

.....
raindrops

collected in puddles

trap fallen leaves

......
blades of grass

flush

with dawn kisses

.......
dawn

spreads silver

arms - mercy

......

Stirred but not shaken

The curtains are drawn to stop the strong, scowling sun from coming in but what is this, I suddenly hear clouds roll by, wind whistling through trees, leaves being shuffled across concrete, doors and windows beginning to bang and the thundering clouds keep on rolling again and again and again. It might rain...I’m getting so excited just thinking about it. The light must have softened to a low grin now...I must go out.

....but it was all in vain....it did not rain today.

A request

Some kind soul, visiting my blog for the first time, posted pornographic photos on the comments page to one of my posts. Dear whoseoever, I enjoy and appreciate erotica like anyone else but leave me to decide what i want to see and when I want to see. So please don't put up those pictures again for my viewing pleasure. If i want to surf porn, I know how to handle search engines.

small-town promenade

In balloon color
dresses, women
go down with the sun.

Summer evening
Girls, ices & watermelon slices
Pretty, pretty in pink.

Strings of jasmine
Playing
In dark hair

Rushing garcons
Between parked cars
melting orders

Little boys
selling heart balloons
to little men in big cars.

Music
from parked cars
near garbage.

Ice cream
Melting to
Warm tounges.

Crazy Celsius!!

Even in that room, shut-off from the world, sunlight streams in through the crack, pours in, and rushes in, as if in huge torrents, making it too hot for her to handle anymore. She can barely think straight from the heat. It is getting way too hot in here for her.
She snatches a chilled bottle of water from the refrigerator, slams it shut and throws herself on the bed, holding the bottle to her face....
Gulping the water, she feels it escape her lips and trickle down her blouse. Temporary Reprieve.

Distant darling

Shadows fades as his desire.
The night drives them apart.

Silvery pretty words remain,
as dead fish in a dirty bowl.

Murmuring Evening

Birds chirp,
whistle and
twitter.

Dusk collects
on the wings of crows,

homebound.

Crushed Violets
stain blushing
cheeks.

Prickly grass
teasing tickly
Toes.

Learn, learn, learn

“Born alone, we die alone, and whatever companionship and love we get between these two events, is pure luck, but not necessarily our birthright. Aloneness is our only birthright. With any determination we can turn aloneness into independence – but nobody guaranteed us love.”

Ain't love guranteed??? Well I certainly thought so. I am miffed at being so disappointed. I have been slightly bitter lately for not coming across my prince charming, I certainly thought it was my birthright; after all I have been waiting for him since I was a little girl. However, I am told its all rubbish and I must get married now, all my friends are married and with babies too, and it really doesn’t make a difference either ways, so they tell me. Therefore, I have handed over the task of finding me a lad to my parents as I have utterly failed at doing so myself. Unfortunately, even they have not yet found me that one person, whom I will want to marry. Perhaps I seek too much.

However what I regret now is that, I was so sure of securing me a prince that I totally failed to make provisions for the possibility of not finding him. I always thought that my aloneness would be over when he came along, whereas I should have struggled for becoming independent. I don’t earn my bread and I need others to make me feel secure, loved and wanted. I just did not give it enough importance or perhaps I did not try hard enough. I never was the focus of my life.

Dear God enjoys giving me lessons and it seems there is a lesson in here for me. It is just that I am in no mood to learn. Oh dear god, be kind to me and let me pass this one. When God is the teacher, there is no getting away from the lessons. I can see little flickering points of lesson and they are overwhelming me, I am not prepared for them. So for the moment I will begin by learning to focus on me, in little ways, at least.

Anyway, that passage was from Parachutes and Kisses by Erica Jong, the book I am currently reading and I wish everyone would read it. Its not new, I borrowed it from a library, a small, crumbling library.

Better sign me up for a freind, hehehe.

Found this at Pax Nortona.

Your Birthdate: April 27

Your birth on the 27th day of the month (9 energy) adds a tone of selflessness and humanitarianism to your life path. Certainly, you are one who can work very well with people, but at the same time you need a good bit of time to be by yourself to rest and meditate. There is a very humanistic and philanthropic approach in most of things that you do. This birthday helps you be broadminded, tolerant, generous and very cooperative. You are the type of person who uses persuasion rather than force to achieve your ends. You tend to be very sensitive to others' needs and feelings, and you able to give much in the way of friendship without expecting a lot in return.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

An excerpt from, The Count of Monte Christo

There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another – nothing more. He who has felt deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of living.

Live, then, and be happy, beloved children of my heart, and never forget that until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man, all human wisdom is summed up in two words, “Wait and Hope”.

Your friend,

Edmond Dantes, Count of Monte Christo

some silly girl

Part 1

Heartbeats
Wild Congo drums
“Easy now, girl”

Heat
Suffused cheeks
Permeates down.

Eyes shut tight
He whispers
“I’m here now…”

Part 2

Heartbeats
Ragged, louder footsteps
“Courage now!"

Cold
Fingers tremble
Moist cheeks sunken

Eyes shut tight
He whispers
“I’m here now…”

Summer time

Honey
dripping, sticky
drop by drop

Buzzing bees
break the stillness
of the afternoon

Summer heart
torpid, languorous
yearns.

Rising sap
heat grows
with the wheat

She sits unwashed, un-bathed, and unclean. Yet there is this softness about her, its probably the result of her uncombed hair. Bah! She looks as crumpled as her bed sheet...but look at that sweet grin, plastered over that grimy face. Stupid girl, I tell you, stupid girl!

watching

Originally uploaded by gulnaz.

Veil'd

Originally uploaded by gulnaz.

by the wall

Originally uploaded by gulnaz.

The other day, unexpected.

Morning sun
Unrelenting, beads of sweat
Trickling down.

Purple Skies, deepen.
Wind,
Cooler and faster.

Buying medicines
“hurry, please”, she says.
Men watch her from afar

Wet Winds
Lifting her clothes, she
Smoothes down her hair.

Spraying mists
Of rain-drops
On warm cheeks.

Rain-laden wind,
Bending the trees to its will.
Insensible.

Rain sliding down,
Quivering leaves.
Drums crash, louder.

Sudden showers
Crinkled heart,
Eases.

The Book Meme

Joel passed on to me this book meme…a first for me...so here goes:

You’re stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

Hmm…I read a book long time back which I did not like, The Notes of Don Rigoberto By Mario Llasa Vargas, to be honest I did not even understand it much so that would be my choice for incineration. Although if the idea is to burn the book in the human minds, as Joel says, than it would be The Arrangement by Elia Kazan though I can think of a few others but let me name just one here.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Speaking from top off my head: Heathcliffe in The Wuthering Heights, Dr Zhivago in Dr Zhivago, the male protagonist in Ayn Rand’s Fountainhead…actually I could not even bring myself to despise that guy in Lolita, although what he did was wrong…his love for her destroyed her.

The last book you bought is:

The last book I bought was The Beggar at the Gate by Thallassa Ali. It is a simply written tale of love set in the pre-partition Lahore. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

What are you currently reading?

I am currently reading, The Count Of Monte Cristo By Alexander Dumas. It is a loooooong book but worth reading. It is about useless revenge is…that is putting it very simply. It reads like a fable at times, I am quite enjoying it.

Five books you would take to a deserted island:

Now lets see, either I could take 5 books I have always wanted to read but have never been able to read more than a few chapters, stuff like How the Mind works by Steven Pinker and other such books. Or I could take along my cheque book, address book, cookbook, a how-to-survive-in-the-desert-book but I like Joel’s idea of taking along five notebooks, so that is what I am going to do, I am sure they will be plenty to write about.

Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?

Personally I would have liked to pass this on to all those on my list but since I have to pick only 3, I shall pass this stick on to .:A:., Misreflection and M…why…because they are all interesting, intelligent people and I would like to read their answers.

Sorry guys, too lazy to do the linking for the books.