of demon and fairy thoughts

just one more day to go and then this year is over.  a new year and i will find new thoughts, its important to have new thoughts.  they keep you young, they keep you smelling fresh.  some days you just can't find anything new to think about and the old thinking patterns, old and unhealthy reactions, take hold of you, toss you up, pin you down, motionless and inert.

BUT if you can move even a single muscle, if you can make even that tiniest move then you can break that stranglehold; if you just shower and wear nice clothes you will feel better.

the universe, this life is not to our design. it seems we are playing a role in another's production and we could have done it so much better, so it seems at times...perhaps yes, perhaps no...there is only way of finding out:  design the next 15 minutes with whatever material you have at your disposal and you will have your answer.

of all the many demon thoughts i have, there is one fairy thought which places me firmly in the seat and pulls me through: "...I'll be fine inshallah..."  

Dear God

i am pleased. liar.

are you smiling?

and what about the hurt that you bear?  that you hide?

i hide my nakedness in your white woven wool, it scratches my skin as i fight to retain it from the shameless winds.  

i'm standing on the roof, the blue skies above me, the white washed walls beneath my feet.  i begin to climb down the stairs but stop to see women wrapped in white surrendering to Allah in prayer under a swaying palm.  

Make it easy for me, I pray.  I bow.  Just the way it should be.  Just the way it is meant to be.

river

breath unto breath
dissolved;
but a disconnect now
a severance, yet not quite.

Do you love yourself?

life seems to be a mystery which unfolds each day as I watch with wonder and sometimes in tearful confusion. I see manifested my thoughts on the canvas of my life like acid reflux...fears, doubts as well as idlly roaming desires. It all comes true. Still the very things that I wanted or I thought I did or which at any rate i should...still eludes me.

I was talking to my neighbour the other day about a lesson I learnt at the hands of a long time freind. My neighbour is a homely woman who is forever telling me how much she is happy that I moved there as I have motivated her to lose weight which in turn makes me feel good about myself. I'm a bit ashamed to write this but somehow I thought I am more mature than her as she sought my often confided in me abuot her complexed; she has some major issues she needs to work upon as she is too complexed about her appearance. But that day while she sat listening to me and told me how I should confront the said freind, which I cannot, I truly hate confrontations! She asked me, one simple question: Do you love yourself? I muttered an..."of course I do" after a moment too long.

That one question made me realize the 'whys' regarding a lot of issues in my life.
and I still don't know if I love myself...I know I should and I am trying now.

So i ask you today:

Do you love yourself?

darkness of the mind

nights stained with apologetic darkness minds and thoughts therein.  churning in pain, looking for a way out and yet engulfing every flicker of light that comes by.

tomorrow the sun will be bright and warm on my back. tomorrow i will try and make sense of this unabated madness.

yet a new turn

as i watch it flow, life plays evernew tunes.  there are twin themes which have been runnning with me lately; discovering small-mindedness in people hitherto i thought incapable of and discovering good will in places not noticed or suspected earlier.

the former is tough to even acknowledge; leave alone confront...so i just go along maybe with a tarnished smile and behave with them as if nothing has changed but even they are aware that the ground has shifted, a tad off-center.

the latter on the other hand leave me stumped!  if the former thread is trying to cure me of my trusting ways then why is the latter loop running simultaneously?  

i don't want to become 'astringent-ly'; i prefer trusting people and honestly speaking i don't even have the smarts to be anything else.

yet then how does one handle hurt, more importantly how does one let go of those tiny niggling toe-biting things and let go I must as I could never bring myself to confront them, which is another failing in me, i guess.

I am completely uncomfortable with scenes and absolutely reject clarified or forced bon homie.  having said that, i believe relationships are perpetually in motion and time sorts things out as much as we do ourselves not by forcing a face-off but by simply growing larger than the situation.

relationships are those comfortable seats we rest our beautiful behinds upon and they are bound to go through wear and tear as does everything else in life and in a similar way, we grow even fonder of them and recognise where they fit best and which lumpy areas to avoid.

friday

i have been meaning to post for quite some time now and the reason I have not is that I have become scared of not matching my reader's expectations.  Now that is a worry I never had; it always made me feel good to be appreciated but when I wrote it was primarily to express myself.  So i'm tossing that fear in the bin right here, right now.

I have been busy with life, with ideas, with getting my heart broken, with picking up the pieces and dancing with them; i have been busy chasing sunsets and eating street food; i have been busy soaking in the perfect weather for Delhi, as far as i am concerned; i have been busy with braces and toothaches; i have been busy just enjoying the simple pleasures of my life.  I enjoy my homely life, it is good.

as i stand in the balcony in the middle of the night, enjoying the coolness of November and reorganising the world order in my head, dwelling on my problems, on slights and injuries real or perceived...who knows...i notice a leaf dried and crunchy hit the ground in few seconds flat and then silence again.  no complaints.  no tears.  it will renew the tree in its new life as part of the compost and that's it.

we take ourselves too seriously sometimes and that's where I have been wrong.  

The year is almost over and the dreams which I have now are not the ones I had at the beginning of the year and yet the taste of life is still sweet enough.  If anyone is reading this I would like to know how it has been for you.  I have made new friends, added new layers to my life and yet I feel no different or do I?  

Friendships were tested, relationships were re-negotiated, i discovered my needs and acknowledged my fears.  I have fallen back on many fronts but what the heck, such is life and it goes on and that's the way it should be.

a rushed moment

love is a place & through this place of love move(with brightness of peace)all places
yes is a world & in this world of yes live(skilfully curled)all worlds - e.e.cummings



I have never been able to complain to you about my nights which have collapsed fruitlessly into the dust of a soiled dawn for you deserve a soul in whose presence the world comes together for all eternity.


i touch your shirt sleeve, the cotton warm with your heart. a sensation i carry on my fingertips till today.


communiques of intimacy, all too soon over and yet unending.

mind-monsters

a melee of thoughts. our minds become their battlefield
mischievous goblins wander the alleys and backstreets of our minds. lurking in dark corners, on the watch-out for fresh, nubile thoughts. with their knobbly knuckles and mocking grimaces they murmur absurd tales weaving a shroud of doubts to the ceaseless noise of empty words and raucous laughter.

i'm happy to be me

i want to aplogise to myself for the asphyiating scorn I have reserved for myself for so long. how was it born and why did i nurse it?
random moments unravel threads of a silent wound. no one understands, least of all me myself. no one wants to understand the bitterness of curdled thoughts, of rancid longings.
going through old notebooks i realise i have sinned against myself.
still, i am happy to be me. perhaps loneliness is not about being alone. it is the abyss you fall into when you abandon yourself.

a promise of peace

sometime late in the night. memories sneak their way to my bed. intruders. they seem to be from some foreign country...from a far, far away time. as far away as the images flickering on the screen beaming down via satellites...just as close. its sedition. stop, i tell my mind, don't be seduced by them. splinters of dreams...they will leave you bloody and bruised. they are stories which are incomplete, slightly off...words with vowels missing. discontent is strewn, artless and mute like the candy wrappers...i don't know which one enclosed a strawberry and which one wrapped a green apple within its sheer confines. its late now and i'm lining up coffee mugs in a circle, one more and it will be a quartet of cellists. a crowd of memories jostle with one another and there is a commotion for more space.

outside, the sky is yet to lighten. a deep, inviting silence... a promise of peace.

continium

all these moments of sitting still, they are not in vain. gaping spaces need to be filled, roots need time to grow, to fill those spaces.
truly this world has many treasures and that too in unlikely, surprising places, far more than those puddles we keep stepping into.

soon i'll be in bed in my favourite position with that thickish book on marketing i have been trying to read forever but i think of cuddling up to something else far removed from dry, puzzling numbers, tiptoeing barefoot into a wonderland of pink rabbits and fearless smiles.

would i even remember if such a world if it were not for faith, family and friends.

i love you.

a million heartbeats to remember

i watch the sun ablaze drowning in the velvety kisses of the evening sky. the music of our heartbeats drowning the cacaphony of doubts...the sweetness of your breath, intermingled with desire...i watch you lose yourself in me and i surrender

....and in that instant i know that losing control is not about losing charge.

check the schedule before you fly

a quiet melancholy, a shameful secret.. i hide from the world at large. the covers pulled upto my peepers, i squint at the fog drenched branches outside...where is the clarity of my mind; the yummy tartness of my thoughts... i need something which is outside of me... but the outside is the everchanging vast ephemeral shape, at times scary and sometimes confounding. i search for words, perhaps they might point the way... but there are so many things i am afraid to speak aloud...



time for coffee...

nothing lyrical about this

so here i go
my heart loses track
and maybe someday
it will speak
i break promises
and i am not screaming your name
give me a reason and i will give you no choice.
i guess there is nothing lyrical about this
i am not going to be your valentine.