clinging to words

when night falls and eyes close to the world and to my soul, you whisper to me of desires dark and taboo. bodies arch to needs, still a chasm that is never crossed. words are repeated for a quest which eludes. vows are unmade when we come undone.
Thorns of unspoken shame scratch at the edges of words softer than gossamer. Yielding to the moment but time never ends. a hurried goodbye, afraid perhaps that the mask will slip off the words spoken hereof revealing the phantom of us.

a scruffy morning

it has just stopped raining, the raindrops are still rolling off ledges and leaves. plonk! plonk! plonk! the skies have still not cleared and the teal marble floor is littered with bruised pink petals and off coloured leaves. tut tut tut tut. it rained all night. the tiara of raindrops crowned the leaves without discrimnation making queens out of each one of them, if only for fleeting moments. the tousled morning with her sleep heavy face still needs to be woken up. let her s-t-r-e-t-c-h a lill more.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Mridula so here goes:

8 things about me:

1. i spoil things for myself, self-destructive or maybe just somebody who doesnt like herself.
2. i get emotional about stuff which perhaps exist only in my own mind.
3. i feel embarrassed about confronting people if i have caught them lying. i forgive easily but if my forgiveness is not sought then its not so easy and then i become long on forgettting. i'm working on forgiving for the love of god, for letting go.
   
4. i tend to binge, eat compulsively and worse, sabotaging my own efforts.
5. it hurts me to see people in pain.
   
6. i still miss my dear old gucci who died 3 years back. she died in childbirth and i swear i wanted to kill all her kids. i didnt but i didnt even see them. i had cared for the bitch when she was tiny, nights and days for months as she had contracted parvo and the useless vets in my lil town had given up on her. since then i have lost the strength to care for another dog now. never again.
   
7. i connect with all sorts of people and my connections are kinda weird...i care deeply for them even though i might never see them.
8. Violent hostile people scare me but only upto the point they make me really angry and then i can get quite aggressive and lose all fear.
   

Now I have to tag 6 people in return...this is something i always feel nervous about as i'm not sure it will be welcome...hence its an open invitation to everybody to reveal 8 things about themselves. people you are free to post here or alternatively at your blog if you so choose to.


to summarise the rules of this tag, you have to mention the name of the person who tagged you, write 8 things about yourself and then tag 6 others....now get busy postin' and taggin'....hurrrrrrry!!!!!!!!

i would love to know more about the people who visit my blog and it can be anything...like a fetish for ossu boccu to a phobia for scratchy sounds....anything.

just a dream

walking these crowded streets, i'm aware only of your prescence which i cradle in my heart, wear it behind my knees. time trickles into droplets and unspeakable wetness whispers of you.


these dreams are for you. marshamallow sweet in colours of spun sugar.
you weave a web, the gold thread shimmers. the sun comes tossing blinding light like pennies to the poor.
floating in the lightness of the web, silky and gold....my awareness is compromised. its only a dream after all.

dancing in a dream. i'm a solitary dancer. waltzing to the mood. unfurling whorls upon whorls, laying bare a truth, unspeakble....witheld.

pose one for the camera, please

this is the last time you will be seeing me the way you are used to, the way you know me to be. the next time we meet, the planets would have shifted and i would not be saying what you are used to hearing and you would be behaving yourself. good old mother earth, always in a rush to complete a day, to complete a year would have completed yet another turn. we would remain where we are and yet the distance between us would eat that which was between us. you don't like scenes, just like me. you don't care what the others think, just like me but you care what they think of me as i do and we are happy people. we wear shiny smiles, guarding our fraility, our secrets, tell tale signs like the powdery pigments of a butterfly's wings.

moonlight stanzas

full moon---
a cat peeps
from the bushes

night breeze--
ruffles my hair
into smiling

silver of the moon on the darkness of the sky. darker still outlines of trees near and far and me a dark silhouette pacing amongst all this finery. Walking to beats thumping from the headphones, enjoying the contrast, being here and yet also there. Walking in circles, again and again till one steps into the zone and eyes close to make the moment absolute.

Walking in moonlight is always such pleasure!

You

never try to go back in time
there will only be ghosts for company.

sit under the moon with a bag full of the sweetest of memories or feel your way through the dark alleys with blind fears whizzing over your head.

do what you will but you have to step out in the sun and pull that hand out of the candy bag.

its the here, its the now which is you.

Saffron skies

For the sleepless, the morning comes with a sigh of relief. At last, the night is over!

The day with its noisy rhythms, its intrusive loud voice takes you by the hand and strings you along, not even asking you for your permission and sometimes not even giving you time to take a breather, an enthusiastic partner at a dance. Such days are a relief.

There is a masculinity, to day and the night, like a woman, if she will, can turn her lullaby calmness to a steely silence and her nurturing gentleness into rough abandon.

The first cup of tea, the smell of it….the freshness in the air….the pink clusters of flowers along the wall…a clear sky, a clear road ahead and a gentle breeze….hmmm….good morning!

stirred by the sun. saffron lifts the blues. come on now baby. everything you need is here. sing it baby, sing it one time for me.... Yeeeeahhh!!

An excerpt from LIFE OF PI by Yann Martel

I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a cleve, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. it begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelied is a poorly armed soldier. doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread. fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while yoru sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear. Quickly you make rash decisions. you dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an inpression has triumphed over you.This matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes to your foundation, such as you feal when you are bought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that your avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.

autumn fires

i'm lost and blown away
carry me home
scar tissues, purple and blue
mama's kisses don't make them good now.
battle weary beliefs
how long will i carry their torn banner
autumn fires
make me think about you
and i don't even know your name.

bitters

In the twinkling of an eye you realize his hollowness, a peculiar feeling. It is not a punch in the stomach. It is not an icy slap of water in your face. What it is is a brand new day, unsullied by illusions: unexpected and in your face like daybreak over the ocean.

The sameness of his talk and you gag your scream, it will not help. The smallness of his heart and you are left holding barrenness. Your mistakes: your errors of judgment, your failings, your fall...all so clear now. All the excuses you made for him when others pronounced him guilty are now vacuous billboards along the stack of drained words. Resentment crows over the horizon, a sour taste, a feeling beyond hate. What is that feeling? You try to figure out the deafening, demeaning silence in your heart but there is no understanding yet.

But the odd part is you have brought into being tranquility even though you are sorry that dawn was late in coming. Stray tears, a prayer for forgiveness, for refuge and sanctuary and still your quiet waters remain untouched by regret.

tap-tap-tap-tap

everything dissolves like sweat on tar. the sun is on my back and you. you don't know who i am. i want you to know. you burn me and so the sun too. too bright to see anything. maybe the clouds will take your shine away. i turn around to face you, my eyes are barely open and my heart too. come back another day, mabye you will come back another day. i hope but i don't say. grimy tears and sweaty hands, i say i'm just running a fever today. it must be the damn weather you say.

you. just an insignificant detail of my life. passing and losing relevance with each day but some days go by slowly and some days don't go at all.

sunday blessings

lazy sunday afternoon
chochlate covered berries
sun soaked raisins
warm tangerine juice on warmly kissed skin
how beautiful to be slipping by under the rushing sun like silk through your fingers.
speak softly, when you speak softly, oh how beautiful, when you speak softly
too soon, too soon, the afternoon passes when you are near.
when your breath touches my ear, cabernet colours stains the sky and all beneath.
fly me away and meet me on the other side.
dreams of you make me pass the night.
anoint my honey skin

lost in your heartbeats
your words lost in your sound
your sound lost in mine
mine i cannot even hear now
as the bird on the flowering branch, trills a song, hidden between the leaves and so all one sees is the flower which moves and the sound which moves it and know in our hearts the thought which makes the bird sings and brings the scene alive...intermingling the thought, the sound and the song...to make a memory.

sorry sadness

take my hand, i don't quite know how to say...goodbye...its hard to say but hey if i lay here with you, if i just lay here for a while would it make it easier...we watch time marking shadows on the ceiling, time marking shadows across our hearts...nothing more to say, just stop with the lies now...shhhuuusssh!!!
....you might not believe it but i'm sorry...sad to say i'm sorry...sad to say i'm gone...sad to say but its never over....goodbye

incomplete

incomplete. i search for meaning. wasted. i seek understanding. tired. i run to you. scared. i take tentative steps towards strength.

...there is inspiration all around. in freinds battling with cancer. in freinds begining a new life. in freinds reaching out to me. in family members not giving up, even when every dream, every plan goes awry. inspiration for free.

life is crazy and yet worth giving every shot you have.

turn up your face and let the sun kiss it warm, close your eyes and hear the song. the wind plays its flute, each note so soft, so strong.

strange times

there come a time to let go of expectations...for a healing which is hurtful and sometimes in a not so good way..is there a justification for such times. there is a time for chemicals coursing through your veins...there is time for frivolity and for kissing strangers...there are times when you don't make sense to anybody least of all to yourself...a time to forgive yourself and to forgive others, a time to forget some and a time not to forget many. a time to play the clown...a time when your tiny presence is enough to reassure somebody...aint it amazing the times we go through.

thank you for not forgetting me...

i feel so much love running through these words left on this space marked out for me that i am lost for words...thank you seems way insufficient!

i am ok but don't ask me why i went away for i will not be able to tell. i am not even sure that i am back. we don't even realise when we say goodbye. many a times people leave before the lights have gone out and we just don't realise it. what goes and what remains behind can never be told ahead. when its time to say goodbye, close your eyes and feel the spaces between yourselves in your heart. let your heart expand till it feels it will break...and it will grow whole again.

wispy white cloudsbreaking the speed barrierchasing the summer that is gone.shadows across the windscreengathering speedgarbled memoriessearching for the right one.

too many wordsjust not the right ones.

XOXO