Sunday, September 24, 2006

bitters

In the twinkling of an eye you realize his hollowness, a peculiar feeling. It is not a punch in the stomach. It is not an icy slap of water in your face. What it is is a brand new day, unsullied by illusions: unexpected and in your face like daybreak over the ocean.
The sameness of his talk and you gag your scream, it will not help. The smallness of his heart and you are left holding barrenness. Your mistakes: your errors of judgment, your failings, your fall...all so clear now. All the excuses you made for him when others pronounced him guilty are now vacuous billboards along the stack of drained words. Resentment crows over the horizon, a sour taste, a feeling beyond hate. What is that feeling? You try to figure out the deafening, demeaning silence in your heart but there is no understanding yet.
But the odd part is you have brought into being tranquility even though you are sorry that dawn was late in coming. Stray tears, a prayer for forgiveness, for refuge and sanctuary and still your quiet waters remain untouched by regret.


22 comments:

zhoen said...

Your shell has just shattered. Welcome to life.

manu said...

regret

oh well
what the hell

or so said papillon

thats whats i replaced regert by and seems to work beautifully

but i guess zhoen's words are more apt
welcome to life

Cherie! said...

Regret binds to the past. I hope you heal and so does he, because you will not stop hurting till the other does.

gulnaz said...

zhoen- your feedback feels great!! thanxxx!

manu- oh well/what the hell....lurrv that!! :)

cherie- yeah, healing is good when it comes from the inside...thanks. :)

Enemy of the Republic said...

This is absolutely beautiful writing. Thank you for coming by my blog. Forgive me, I spelled your name wrong on my comment. But I love your writing--it flows beautifully--do you write prose poetry because your writing has that fee.

Renee Wagemans said...

Beautifully said Gulnaz, but let not your love freeze up so quickly that there won't be a defrost possible

Merryweather said...

What to say when someone can play the flute to the notes of your heart? :)

Pat Paulk said...

I hope this is prose of a fictional nature, not a personal one. Beautifully written either way!

Merryweather said...

p.s: Ramadan Mubarak! :D

Anonymous said...

And Untouched, It should be! Why Regret? for that in-itself redifines/refines peace for you!
Tears: do not deserve the blandness of this word 'stray';

Yes the silence is deafening/ demeaning but isn't it meant to be this way? and somehow it helps you in loving yourself :)

iamnasra said...

How it touched me to the core I cant start to express the feeling so amzing to be into this feeling when you read your thoughts...Would love to write it in a poem...Am I upto it that is the question

Cocaine Jesus said...

remind me, the next time i wax lyrical about transience, that there is another on the blog scene that could easily wear her crown. you princess, you. delightful writing.

gulnaz said...

enemy of the republic- its ok, you can spell my name wrong anytime for all the sweet things you have said here, thank you! :)
i like the feel of the forms combined...it pleases me...i'm so happy that you liked it. :)

Renee- hey good to see you back here! :) ice age won't be able to freeze me, i think. lol

Merry weather- well...you just sing along in that case and happy ramzan to you too! :)

Pat Paulk- its always a lil bit personal, isnt it. :) thank you!!

Anon- thank you so so much for your feedback, you don't have to say it anonymously though. regret is not always negative, yes...just a bit of a nag though.
yOu are right, i was lazy to use the word stray with tears, i wanted to use worthless, impotent or meaningless instead.
are you sure silence is meant to be so? i think everyhting is just meant to be so and not into some imagined version which i might have ...yes it does help you in liking yourself better.

Nasra- you can write about anything you put your mind to! i'm sure of that and thank you, thank you, thank you! :)

CJ- its just past five in the morning, i have had my pre-dawn meal, the fast has started and i turn on the computer and i find this OH_MY_MY comment from you and i can't stop giggling!! :)) thank you and i love transience, so you can just imagine how pleased i'm right now! good morning to you too!

mermaid said...

Congratulations on the acceptance, dear heart. The color of truth is blinding, yet unmistakably beautiful when recognized.

**Silvermoon** said...

Eloquent way of writing how your balloon was popped. Life doesn't always give us warning and then suddenly, it's so crystal clear the refections blind you.(Often one wonders, "how/why didn't I notice this before??" I'm glad you didn't chastise yourself and you're at peace now with decisions.

Anonymous said...

no lady, do not be so harsh to tears. they are some precious gifts imbibed with transparence as well as tangibility of our dreams from the past. Perhaps ur frame of refernce may be the corporeality of this heartless world.
One sheds them when one is closest to one's part of the truth!
nooo, ur imagination is all so poetic!

Cocaine Jesus said...

hey, gunaz..no cheating on the fast!!!

gulnaz said...

mermaid- you are right about that and that is why i see so much of it in your writings. :)

silvermoon- isnt it a wonderful feeling to be at peace with your decisions. :)

anon- you have really got me intrigued now!!! its amazing how you have put tears through the prism and so correctly to. thank you!!!! :)

CJ- heehehee! ;)

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

This is what I've missed, the subtle way you frame each word with poetry even the hard things in life

gulnaz said...

Sue- oh thank you Sue!! means so much to me coming from you!

moizza said...

Jinx. I was trying to phrase it is so many different ways but it was either too extreme or too cudgeled. I'm still trying to figure my way out of that one though. Bitter/regretful on your own or vocally and can there be a Golden Mean of both. What works.

gulnaz said...

moizza- that which works for you. :)