Friday, June 17, 2005

past expiry date

-Why are you telling me that you love me, now? -I don’t want to hear it anymore, I tell him.
Why do I feel this strange numbness in my heart, did I not once, want him to tell me that he loves me, why does it not mean anything now? But I don’t tell him that. These words they do nothing for me now. I use to fantasize about these words, I use to imagine that they would thrill me, but it is just a big nothing now, through and through.

-I wish you well but please get it, its bloody over, it was over when you turned your back on me, I tell him through tears which he can’t see. –I let go of my pride for you but all you did was cringe at my cravenness at my stupidity, yes that’s what you called it, then, remember?

-You are just drunk; keep the phone down.
But he keeps on talking, talking, saying words which would have someday, long ago, made me very happy, even though they would have been lies then just like they are lies today, drunken lies, fooling himself and fooling me.

-Why don’t you ever mean what you say? I cry, I meant when I had told you that I loved you and I mean it today when I say it is over.

To amuse yourself, you want to string along my heart and in some stupid way of yours, you do care but you care in a way that means nothing to me now. I want more, I want real! You aren’t that, baby and I finally learned it.

Still, wishing you well.

30 comments:

M said...

Oh Gulnaz....You've already let him go..so don't look back....perk up for us here..:)

thoughts said...

the strings from past always tug one's heart..
i smile as i write this... amused at myself writing this.. but boy does it hurt wen the recollections come bk.... it does .. real bad ....and if on top of that u hear that familiar voice...

gulnaz said...

M, the 'I' in that post is not me. but i want to thank anyways and sorry i had to rush off earlier. :(

Doug said...

I love the last line.

Lorena said...

that's right girl, you tell him!! :)

but you see he isn't fooling you now because you have move beyond him and are in search of greener pasture. good luck.

Joel said...

The story would be so much less interesting if she'd just hung up. :D

Avinash said...

sweet! do u write this from personal experiences?

Rock on!
Avinash

Vasu the terrible said...

hey gulnaz,

I know its fiction. But I am intrigued by why you wrote this. Especially the part where the protagonist saying at the end of the narration "I want more" ?

would like to know why you said that ?

vasu

Art said...

Makes me wonder... if not from personal experience.. what made u write it... And how can u just say its all over :) Maybe some ones trying to rectify something.. and dont u think u need to give the person a chance...

Akruti said...

"you do care but you care in a way that means nothing to me now"
That sure hurts like a hell.

jonny ragel said...

wow. sweet last line, gulnaz. keep it real- honesty is so much better then playing games in the long run. some can't appreciate it- but the reward is sweet.

and yea- we call his words 'booty call' around here. he had his chance. and blew it.

"you're money, baby. and you don't even know it."

anumita said...

When you can say the words, "it's over", I think it's half the job done.
Great post!

gulnaz said...

thoughts, poor lil heart...hmmm. :)

Doug, thanks! :)

Lorena,:)

Joel, it would have been sensible of her to merely keep the phone down...but well. :)

Avinash, everything is as personal as you want it to be.

Vasu, i wrote this, 'coz i felt like writing it and of course i, too want more.

Art, i think we should give ourselves a chance, whatsay?

Akruti, yep.

Jon, :) now that is a line to remember!! :)

anumita, guess it gets over in bits and pieces. thanks.

transience said...

i am intrigued by this. and of course, your wonderful phraseology is there. always there.

Sudhir P said...

Hmmmmm. Whatever..... Ur words could have killed the guy at the other end!

stan laurel said...

Isn't it amazing how we sometimes want that what we know we can't, shouldn't have? This piece is full of rage, fear, confusion, and love. The most powerful part of this piece:

"Still, wishing you well." I think this seems to hurt more than all of yelling, anger above it. Well written.

Faith said...

Even though there's anger and rage in your words, there's also hidden love. She still loves him and wants him back, but she's afraid and full of anger. Otherwise she'd just simply hanged up on him ;)

(Still, wishing you well.) << loved it!

Neel said...

this is very powerful.

. : A : . said...

Well written. Sometimes, admissions of love come by too little too late and you have captured it well in this post. I like the 'conversation' feel to it.

gulnaz said...

transience, intrigued is good, trans, thanks. :)

Sudhir, lol. welcome aboard.

stan, i agree with you, it is better than yelling. thanks.

faith, not neccessarily true, faith. thanks awyways. :)

Neel, thanks Neel! :)

.:A:., too little too late makes for bitter medicine. glad you liked it. ;)

small squirrel said...

I could feel the anger, the hurt and still the longing. I admire your ability to write about something fictional but still stir such emotions. I am unable to do that, and I wish I could. lovely. and very real.

DeeM said...

Very nicely written. (beautifuly blog). I know this feeling, it struck a chord. It has taken me a year to figure out that someone in my life says things to me with no special feeling or intent behind it. I still fall for it sometimes. :)

gulnaz said...

small squirrel, thanks, you are too kind, my dear, the emotions are not imagined.

DeeM, thanks. Its good that you can see things clearly now and an year is a short time, most would say. many ppl take much longer to learn that lesson.
thanks for visiting, come again. :)

Potted-flower said...

You don't feel anything because he is drunk and he is clawing you back. If that means something to ANYONE, then they need to realise the borders. great blog!! you are a great writer!!

Pallavi said...

let it go ... no use .. hanging on to what was not yours... SIGH

gulnaz said...

Potted Flower, i am hardly a writer but thanks for calling me that anyways! :) come again. :)

Pallavi, sound advice. :)

Potted-flower said...

You are SOOOOO a writer

gulnaz said...

Potted-flower, XOXOXO ;)

Potted-flower said...

what can I say though? its true|!

qing_e said...

I had the same experience. Good for you - stand firm. I'll be doing the same. He was handsome and charming and by deceit stole my heart. On his birthday, while I was preparing his favourite meal, he was having a liason with another woman at her house!