Tuesday, July 26, 2005

me in the mirror

I have a problem. I get very deeply affected by issues in my little world. I get so perturbed and petrified that I almost lose my balance; I definitely lose my piece of mind. I hate this about myself yet I just don't know how to remain unaffected or at least not to this extent. These issues affect my life or the thing known formerly as life.

I am not a great beauty but I have a very transparent face. If I am feeling good, I can pass off as nice but I am feeling bad, I can give Salvador Dali serious competition. Harmony and peace are not just words for me; they must exist in my world for me to feel good. I am not talking about quiet and ambient music but more than that. Everything should be in its place, revolving own its own axis, happy in their world and I feel content. This is not a realistic way of looking at things.

When I give of myself I give totally from the triumvirate of mind-body-soul. A kind word, a cheerful smile, friendly banter, these are the things I give for and when I don’t get them I feel so rejected…utterly lost and angry. Oh I can be angry, though my rage is usually not a show which runs on many theaters, its usually for private and exclusive viewing, usually my own.

There is a nerve, which runs from my brow to my forehead which sorts of stands out when I am tense, and I look so very sad then. I looked at myself in the mirror just now and I turned my face away…for I could not bear to look at myself so…did not even recognize myself. The worst part was my role in it.
Nothing is worth these stifled sobs.


morning breeze
gently shaking
water from her hair

morning breeze
whispers
" keep looking
"

51 comments:

gulnaz said...

i thought i will share my crappy thoughts. i hope you will pardon my melancholia and madness.

M said...

Oh Sweetie..that was so sad and moving...we all have moments of anger/rage....

You are beautiful, from the inside out...so let not a brief instant of chaos drive you down.

Again - author said...

Hmm...
Well, no matter how much anyone would want it, peace cannot be constant. It comes and goes... maybe so that we understand it when it comes.

Oh and... "Everything should be in its place, revolving 'own' its own axis..." Typo.

finnegan said...

Gulnaz, It's like again-author said, things come in cycles...change. It may sound trite to say: "count your blessings", but I've found it's one of the only effective methods for balance in this out-of-balance world. That and a large dose of humour. Cry till you have no more tears left to cry. We've got them for such times.

stella said...

i think mirrors are powerful when we reflect upon the image coming from the other side. your strong sense of awareness comes through in this post, and imo, you are beautiful just as you are already. :)

i relate to your writings so well!

Mridula said...

Once my husband said tome when I was very angry and sad- "This too shall pass." I don't know why it hepls me find some balance in moments of sorrow and even happiness! I am sorry you are feeling down.

Geetanjali said...

Can totally relate to what you've said in this post - and can only say this as consolation/advice - hang in there...every time you're low think of life as a tapestry and that at the moment you happen to be looking at the back side and so the seams seem to be unravelling...:-)

Very interesting analogies in this post btw - sp the Dali analogy! :-)

Lorena said...

you are amazing. i completely relate to your feelings so much so as if you read my mind, my heart. sometimes i wish i didn't have to be so effected by things or feel rejected when my kind gestures are not returned. not that i do things to get something in return but it would be sweet if they were. and the verses at the end, wow.
"morning breeze
whispers
" keep looking"
you have such a way with words. it's inspiring. you gave me what i needed to put aside such sad feelings and remain with eyes wide open :)
thanks for this gulnaz, it was inspiring for me.

DeeM said...

melancholy and madness... sounds like another title to me! thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. i think you're a great beauty.

Aleksu said...

Gulnaz, I hope you're feeling better by now.

And you do not need to apologize, this is your blog, if you need to vent, if you need to talk about something that is bothering you, what better vehicle than your own page?

It is here where you talk about your dreams, your passions, your joys, well, a balanced human being sheds a tear or two time to time.

irina said...

I know what it is do feel down and to have a shoulder (blog) to cry on... Friendships may not seem real but some are! Like good Blex says, we are here to talk... about us. It's touching when you let us watch your mirror self dialogue and I think a blog can help more than other elements... I know it has helped me through a dark night I have just recovered from...
After the rain comes sun... Wow, I am even blinded by it!

Carrie said...

everyone has moments of melancholia and madness, some more than others....you'll be fine. ; )

Pecos Blue said...

I hope that by the time you read this and you are feeling better. Just take some time to give back to yourself. You deserve it.

Dale said...

Hugs, and a kiss for that tense forehead :-)

"All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well."

beth said...

"Everything changes." that's the quote in Japanese calligraphy on my desk. We all have these moods and moments and they help us gradually grow. i don't get upset about the same things I did at 20 or 35 - but I still get upset! It's good you can share your thoughts here -- and you express them so well. Hope you're feeling better now and more accepting of own beautiful and whole self.

ruby said...

You couldnt have said it better , join the club .I do exactlly the same thing, its a very difficult place to be in. I just hope what ever it was has passed,and really as long as everyone around you is well and healthy nothing really is worth so much heart ache!

mermaid said...

The hardest thing, in my opinion, is to look at yourself in the mirror, see your vulnerabilities, and work on mending them. You may be successful one day, and completely unsuccessful another day. Love yourself for trying, and for getting up to do it all over again.

yvaine said...

Transparency is beautiful. There are no lies, no pretenses, just raw honesty. That is difficult to find these days. An honest face is an attractive feature!

Misreflection said...

GS,Lovely honest writing girl. :),
We all react differently to the way things run in life, don't put yourself down.You're a beautiful sensitive being, and frankly the world is a better place for it. Just guard against causing harm to yourself..Tears are important in life but your smile has to be given the edge here, and in life you have to fight to maintain this, inside and out.

transience said...

oh, sweetie. i do hope you are better now. *hugs* not to say that you weren't eloquent because you surely were.

gulnaz said...

M: thanks honey! I don't like being angry, makes me feel terrible.

Again-Author: sorry about the typo....I guess you are right about peace being only a visitor.

Finnegan: sometimes even the tears won't come!! but you are right about counting your blessings instead of woes.
also right about the humour, am going to feed it some now. :)

Stella: i wouldnt wish you to feel what i;m feeling but i am glad you could relate to it, makes me feel less mad. :) thanks!

Mridula: "This too shall pass." thanks for reminding me about this. i become all doom 'n gloom at such times. :)

Geetanjali: wow, that is an excellent way to look at it!!! thanks! :)
glad you liked the analogies, hehe. :)

Lorena: I know exactly what you mean! those who don't give in return are incapable of doing so but it does hurt. :(
i am so happy that you found it inspiring!!! its a wonderful feeling, thanks! :)

DeeM: and i think you have got a big heart!!! :)

Blex: i usually try to write only about cheerful stuff, not to bring others down but it seems its ok to talk about sad stuff too. thanks. :)

Irina: I am glad that it has done so much for you.
camaredrie is a joy! :)

Mitzee: :)) thanks!

Pecos Blue: Reading all these lovely and supportive comments has certainly made me feel better!! thanks! :)

Dale: *hugs* thanks! :)

Beth: i would do better to remember that quote, a world of wisdom in two simple words. when the change is not for the better, its crazy but i guess its inevitable and this is not paradise after all. am feeling calmer now, thanks!

RubyQ: its a terrible club! :) but well when there are better people than me getting hurt and still getting on with life, i should do the same and smile. :) an event passes but people don't change, one just has to learn to look out for oneself a lil better, hopefully.

Mermaid: I am amazed at your wisdom. :) but then mermaids are ancient creatures of the ocean, so maybe they know the secrets and depths of the human heart better than mortals. :)

Yvaine: thanks...not many people think like that. :)

Missy: you said it when you said that you have to fight to maintain your smile, inside and out. i hope you are holding on well too and I have got a big smile on, reading all the sweet stuff you have said about me. :))

Trans: I am really smiling now!!! (hugs) thanks!!

bablu said...

I can understand how you feel. But what to do all's not in our hands dear friend. Uparwala isliye toh upar baitha hai ! Leave everything to him and all things will work out fine.

sal said...

cheyyy.... angry? Pui. Hehehe...

Did you just smile? You did?

Don't be angry leh... think of me okie.

Ps: that's singaporean accent.*winks*

angel-A said...

gulnaz, i stored some sweetie and a rose in my summer house.
specially for you - smile :-)))))

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

Dear Gulnaz, you will know how much I relate to this, yet I have never met anyone who could see their own beauty even when it is apparent to all around them, But inner beauty can never be hidden, it doesn't age or die. I feel that you possess this in great measure, your sensitive nature shines through your writing and though there will be days when you cannot see it's always there

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

In your own words 'keep looking'

Jamie Dawn said...

You are indeed transparant except as you said, you hold the rage inside for private viewing and self loathing sessions. Give yourself a break, Gulnaz. You will always be your harshest critic. Take another look in that mirror and only let yourself see what it beautiful inside and out.

deewani said...

I can relate to this and was actually talking to a colleague about this very thing today! We all show our feelings/emotions in different ways. I tend to be wary of people who don't show any emotion on their face.

Savvy said...

I know... exactly what you mean. It is all about respect. Anything can happen in this crazy world, but just because it could does not mean it will or would.

It occurs to me, as I sit here at my computer, typing this entry when I should be working... that since there are so many blogs out there (millions, so I hear) I wonder who will chance upon mine. And if anyone does stumble upon this site, who will stay and read and perhaps wonder who I am or what I do in this wide and crazy world? Is this just another bit of random text floating in the electronic sea of the Internet or will it matter? Maybe I'll say something that strikes a chord with someone or perhaps just bring a laugh or a smile to someone's gloomy day. Who can say? Whatever comes of this, I'll write just the same and post as if it matters. Because it does matter, if only to me.

So, 'nuff for now. Check out my site, if you would be so kind, at http://diatribespot.blogspot.com.

Ash said...

Gulnaz, you beautifully echoed what I have often realised deep in the recessef my heart.

I understand what you mean, and where you're coming from. there are too many times, when anger, hurt, disappointment has us looking at the mirror and directing those emotions at ourselves. Ive done it myself too.

But then times roll on. And we're back to laughing and singing and enjoying life. And not worrying.

Somehow ... we never analyse happiness,
na ?

Anyway, Im glad that you shared this with us *Hug*

Pallavi said...

HUgssss ... and you are the only one who can help yourself.. look outward and look forward... problems appear with solutions inside it ... so as you said " keep looking" there is always a nice surprise if you make the effort and meanhwhile its okay to feel low.. but pick yourself up... for the inner you is waiting for you to discover... new beginnings :)

gulnaz said...

bablu: yep one has to leave it all up to him, at the end of the day. :)

woman: i did smile and i think the singaporean accent is verry sweet! :)

angel-A: awww, a sweet and a rose too....now you are a sweetheart or what! :)

Sue: oh sweetie!!! *tight hug* :)

Jamie: i need to learn to like myself better, just not easy though.

Deewani: its funny how you think you are the only one who is feeling so terrible only to realise that everyone hurts like that sometimes.

Savvy: our need to connect runs deep and these blogs are just another way of doing that. i will surely drop by your blog, later on and thank you so much for stopping by mine and leaving behind such kind words. :)

Ash: I am realising its not such a bad thing to talk about sad stuff, after all. one has always been taught to look and act happy at all times but it seems sharing your unhappiness is in a way showing respect to the other.

You are right, we don't really analyse happiness, maybe we are too busy being happy to do the analysing. :) *hugs*....am better now. :)

Pallavi: hugsss 2u2! :) you are right the solution often lies within the problem but the darned thing is so well-camouflaged that it might as well lie on neptune!
.. but pick yourself up... for the inner you is waiting for you to discover... new beginnings :)...hmmm i like the sound of that. :)

Pincushion said...

Dear dear young Gulnaz-iss gul pe hume bada naaz hai! This too shall pass..everything does eventually..!
Cheers!

gulnaz said...

Pins: i'm hardly young! hehe but you are a sweetheart, a big beautiful sweetheart. apke iss naaz pe hamein bada fakr hai. :) thank you darling!! :)

Samudraa said...

Dont believe in advice....giving platitudes.

Iam sure u know every single shade is to be enjoyed :)

Loved those last verses......."keep looking",sensitive and yes,optimistic that..

Sue hardy-Dawson said...

Hugs too

eden said...

ey gulnaz, dont put you self down,you are beautiful in and out and i salut you for that.

this is very interesting topic!nice post indeed!

btw ill be back blogging in august!

stan laurel said...

Anger and rage is what keeps us human. Keep feeling...no matter the consequences.

Sk8RN said...

Sounds like your spirits have been about as high and bright as my own. I'm sorry. Is it something specific or a general atmosphere?

anumita said...

That's so well expressed. I hope you are feeling better now and the mirror is reflecting a woman with a wide smile and teeth too (you will have to laugh for that) :)

finnegan said...

AND it would happen that I neglect to answer your comment just after this!

Roger Stevens said...

a midnight gale
wildly shakes
the dark halls of the mind

a midnight gale
cries fearfully
Here comes the dawn

Cocaine Jesus said...

i have spent the past fifty years being totally perplexd by my fellow humans who by turns of a whim can be either kind or callous and cruel. what is nice about this blogging malarky is that you realise that you are not alone and in actual fact there hundreds if not thousands of us. weep on honey. i do.

. : A : . said...

Sometimes we have a different perspective from what the mirror has for us.

Hope this phase passes soon and you are back to your cheerful self!

Lovely words at the end,

"morning breeze
gently shaking
water from her hair

morning breeze
whispers
" keep looking""

gulnaz said...

Samudraa: though i am not a very optimistic person, optimism is something which my brain needs like O2. makes sense? :)

Sue: hugs are my favourite things! :)

Eden: hey good to see you! so very sweet of you to stop by and say such sweet stuff. looking forward to your resuming blogging again, you would always write such inspiring stuff too. :)

Stan laurel: perpahs you are right, it is better than being numb and cold.

Sk8RN: maybe this general sadness is some sort of a new terrorist weapon, a variation on, 'biological weapons' :)

Anumita: LOL :)) thanks sweetie!

finnegan: yeah! very cruel of you! hehehe

Roger Stevens: Wow, that is lovely!!! so inspiring too! thank you so much! :))

Cocaine Jesus: isnt that terrible CJ? a flippety thing like a whim can go and break your heart! ah! you are right, one takes courage from others.
thanks you!! :)

.:A:. : thanks eh, i am feeling muchos better now! :) glad you like the little verses there. :) Its important for me to believe that things will get better and when that belief slips, it drags me down too.

Potted-flower said...

You are sad? No! Dont be!!

gulnaz said...

Potted-flower: ok i wont be sad now. :)

. : A : . said...

Good to know you are feeling better now!

gulnaz said...

.:A:. :))

Jaxe said...

Gulnaz, I learned everything I need to know about you from this line When I give of myself I give totally from the triumvirate of mind-body-soul. :-) I am the exact same and hopefully our friendship and potential ka-tet will become greater as time progresses!

Please post your moods here, post the highs and lows, for they define you... and your descriptions are beautiful. Remember, we all face melancholy and sadness, but they exist only so our joy and euphoria can be appreciated even more when it comes!

*hug*

j

gulnaz said...

Jaxe, that was soo very sweet of you! hugs! :)