of demon and fairy thoughts

just one more day to go and then this year is over.  a new year and i will find new thoughts, its important to have new thoughts.  they keep you young, they keep you smelling fresh.  some days you just can't find anything new to think about and the old thinking patterns, old and unhealthy reactions, take hold of you, toss you up, pin you down, motionless and inert.

BUT if you can move even a single muscle, if you can make even that tiniest move then you can break that stranglehold; if you just shower and wear nice clothes you will feel better.

the universe, this life is not to our design. it seems we are playing a role in another's production and we could have done it so much better, so it seems at times...perhaps yes, perhaps no...there is only way of finding out:  design the next 15 minutes with whatever material you have at your disposal and you will have your answer.

of all the many demon thoughts i have, there is one fairy thought which places me firmly in the seat and pulls me through: "...I'll be fine inshallah..."  

Dear God

i am pleased. liar.

are you smiling?

and what about the hurt that you bear?  that you hide?

i hide my nakedness in your white woven wool, it scratches my skin as i fight to retain it from the shameless winds.  

i'm standing on the roof, the blue skies above me, the white washed walls beneath my feet.  i begin to climb down the stairs but stop to see women wrapped in white surrendering to Allah in prayer under a swaying palm.  

Make it easy for me, I pray.  I bow.  Just the way it should be.  Just the way it is meant to be.

river

breath unto breath
dissolved;
but a disconnect now
a severance, yet not quite.

Do you love yourself?

life seems to be a mystery which unfolds each day as I watch with wonder and sometimes in tearful confusion. I see manifested my thoughts on the canvas of my life like acid reflux...fears, doubts as well as idlly roaming desires. It all comes true. Still the very things that I wanted or I thought I did or which at any rate i should...still eludes me.

I was talking to my neighbour the other day about a lesson I learnt at the hands of a long time freind. My neighbour is a homely woman who is forever telling me how much she is happy that I moved there as I have motivated her to lose weight which in turn makes me feel good about myself. I'm a bit ashamed to write this but somehow I thought I am more mature than her as she sought my often confided in me abuot her complexed; she has some major issues she needs to work upon as she is too complexed about her appearance. But that day while she sat listening to me and told me how I should confront the said freind, which I cannot, I truly hate confrontations! She asked me, one simple question: Do you love yourself? I muttered an..."of course I do" after a moment too long.

That one question made me realize the 'whys' regarding a lot of issues in my life.
and I still don't know if I love myself...I know I should and I am trying now.

So i ask you today:

Do you love yourself?