darkness of the mind

nights stained with apologetic darkness minds and thoughts therein.  churning in pain, looking for a way out and yet engulfing every flicker of light that comes by.

tomorrow the sun will be bright and warm on my back. tomorrow i will try and make sense of this unabated madness.

yet a new turn

as i watch it flow, life plays evernew tunes.  there are twin themes which have been runnning with me lately; discovering small-mindedness in people hitherto i thought incapable of and discovering good will in places not noticed or suspected earlier.

the former is tough to even acknowledge; leave alone confront...so i just go along maybe with a tarnished smile and behave with them as if nothing has changed but even they are aware that the ground has shifted, a tad off-center.

the latter on the other hand leave me stumped!  if the former thread is trying to cure me of my trusting ways then why is the latter loop running simultaneously?  

i don't want to become 'astringent-ly'; i prefer trusting people and honestly speaking i don't even have the smarts to be anything else.

yet then how does one handle hurt, more importantly how does one let go of those tiny niggling toe-biting things and let go I must as I could never bring myself to confront them, which is another failing in me, i guess.

I am completely uncomfortable with scenes and absolutely reject clarified or forced bon homie.  having said that, i believe relationships are perpetually in motion and time sorts things out as much as we do ourselves not by forcing a face-off but by simply growing larger than the situation.

relationships are those comfortable seats we rest our beautiful behinds upon and they are bound to go through wear and tear as does everything else in life and in a similar way, we grow even fonder of them and recognise where they fit best and which lumpy areas to avoid.

friday

i have been meaning to post for quite some time now and the reason I have not is that I have become scared of not matching my reader's expectations.  Now that is a worry I never had; it always made me feel good to be appreciated but when I wrote it was primarily to express myself.  So i'm tossing that fear in the bin right here, right now.

I have been busy with life, with ideas, with getting my heart broken, with picking up the pieces and dancing with them; i have been busy chasing sunsets and eating street food; i have been busy soaking in the perfect weather for Delhi, as far as i am concerned; i have been busy with braces and toothaches; i have been busy just enjoying the simple pleasures of my life.  I enjoy my homely life, it is good.

as i stand in the balcony in the middle of the night, enjoying the coolness of November and reorganising the world order in my head, dwelling on my problems, on slights and injuries real or perceived...who knows...i notice a leaf dried and crunchy hit the ground in few seconds flat and then silence again.  no complaints.  no tears.  it will renew the tree in its new life as part of the compost and that's it.

we take ourselves too seriously sometimes and that's where I have been wrong.  

The year is almost over and the dreams which I have now are not the ones I had at the beginning of the year and yet the taste of life is still sweet enough.  If anyone is reading this I would like to know how it has been for you.  I have made new friends, added new layers to my life and yet I feel no different or do I?  

Friendships were tested, relationships were re-negotiated, i discovered my needs and acknowledged my fears.  I have fallen back on many fronts but what the heck, such is life and it goes on and that's the way it should be.