sunday 3 pm

there is no equality in relationships, be it any relationship whatsoever. if you were to keep a fair statement of balance, you'd go nuts with the taste of bile in your mouth. somebody needs to take and somebody needs to give but it should make you feel good about yourself but even that is often compromised. is it only for needs that we seek each other? self-sufficiency definitely eases up a lot of heartburn and the other is managing expectations. managing expectations is vital. you only have one mother and no body else will give you that love and unfortunate souls don't even get that. I know of people who have curdled relationships, for years they have tended to their festering sores, proudly displaying their hurt vanities and misdeeds done against them. those relationships are kept alive for the pain they have given each other. they are never buried, they are never laid to rest. they are kept alive by keeping an up-to-date account of who-did-what-to-whom- brilliant fact-keepers, pathetic story tellers. perhaps they wait for a confrontation were they will prove their hurt innocence and their aggrieved hearts will be assuaged by the other's tearful repentance; in their minds as well as to willing ears they play out their broken hearts but what is the endgame, i wonder. what does it matter if you were right? yes it is a pain to forgive and yea letting go is a rip in the heart but its your heart that you have to mend and festering wounds are best healed. This strange beast we have within us, the ego, it holds us captive to grudges and never lets us heal ouerselves. worrying about being loved and cherished or not being loved and cherished enough will only drive the nail in deeper. mistakes are made and words are said. hurts are glorified and wounds are fed. but again what is the point? if you are in a relationship with another human being, whatever nature that relationship is, it has to be for love and in love you have to fall on your knees and accept the other as your master. in love, it hurts like hell. in love, we can cut deeper than any sword. and yes we lie in love and yes we go a bit mad in love.

by way of explanation, this came about as a result of recuperating on a blistering hot Sunday afternoon which tends to bring out the rambling thinker in me. The thinker twists my insides and plays with my mind. It makes me think of strange things and makes me react strangely to things.

outside there is a patch of cloud, all the billions of dust motes in their collective strength have dimmed the sun just that tiny bit. or maybe we'll get lucky and get some much needed showers to break the heat wave. it remains to be seen. will i learn and grow from my lessons, it remains to be seen.