Color me Red...at least for now.

Colors surely tell some part of our story. As a kid, I use to love red. My first school bag was a letterbox red. It was a hardtop box; square like a tiny valise and it had a scratchy surface, the way my knees use to feel after school. I use to wear red ribbons in my hair then and red blooms from my garden were my preferred, shy offerings to my favourite teachers. However somewhere down the line, although I still liked red but I no longer felt comfortable wearing it. I started believing that I looked silly in it. That it was too bright and flashy for me.

Its funny how seriously we take our silly notions about ourselves. Around this time I became a serious-minded girl, with scary glasses and untidy hair. I use to look down upon make-up, refuse to wear it because I believed it would be like lying to the world. I was deeply attracted to beige and went on to graduate to all shades of browns. I was the girl, who would walk around the school grounds with hands dug deep down in my blazer pockets, sleeves pushed back to elbows and down-cast eyes. I was painfully shy around this time and had a lot of issues but I was a sweet girl then.

A change of school made me overcome my shyness and the pastels entered my life but before long I fell in a deep long affair with peacock blue. That was the only shade of blue which I liked, rather if I saw anything in that shade, be it a glass vase or a dress, it was sold…yea…to me. Life went on merrily with blue for a long time but quietly crept in a pale green, the shade of a new leaf when sunlight falls on it, this color entranced me. Now these two together ruled my heart. I wore the darker greens but rarely.

Then couple of years back, it was yellow, the color of the sun and I worshipped it. If it was yellow, it was mine. I loved its brightness. It was never a jaundiced hue for me…. it was the color of beaten gold, the color of endless mustard flowers and of fried eggs, sunny side up. Teamed with silver-gray it was sharp and bright, with a pale green, fresh and dewy.

I was happy in my world of gold, when gradually red started seeping in. It nudged its way into my heart, a book here, and a dress there and soon enough people were asking me if it was my favourite color. That’s when I realized Red had stolen my heart without my even realizing it. I wear it now without being embarrassed or feeling silly now. I even look good in it and to imagine that I was scared of wearing it at a time. Bah! I like most of its shades too and Pink; both the soft baby pink and the bright fuchsia make me drool.

Though the constant ones all along has been white and to a lesser extent Black. I have come to appreciate gray now. The only colors that don’t appeal to me are the ones that don’t say much or speak in pretentious or sad tones. I like shades and I like combinations of various colors now, not just with the perennial black and white. The funny parts is that none of them have stopped being my favorites, its just the play list has gotten longer with time. All of them are parts of me.

snapshots

Dry wind
swirling motes of dust
Cover me
......

Rustling silk
She leans forward
He murmurs
......

Pale fingers
counting prayer-beads
Sins un-numbered
......

He watches her,
Storm rages at the window
She turns over
......

Don't lose it.

Not just a four-letter word
Originally uploaded by gulnaz.

guilt is the cause of more disorders

than history's most obscene marorders

-e.e.cummings